I’m Lost

  August 22nd, 2018 by Lawli

(Context: I’m an 18-year-old girl, so I’m legally an adult, and am in my last year at school, next year I’m not going to university but am unsure about my plans).

 

I’ve been feeling really down lately, like to the point where I’ve been considering suicide. I feel so stupid all the time like I’m a lost cause that’s always going to be useless and there’s no way to fix it.

Home has been really hard at the moment, or for a while actually. My parents are constantly angry at me and giving me lectures, I never really know how to handle it, I just don’t like being at home, however I do not have a job and cannot support myself, I have money saved which I have to use to by food and get places I’m running out and have no income, I’m currently looking for a job but right now it’s just so hard and I don’t know if I can keep going for much longer.

School also makes me feel miserable, I’m getting anxiety in every single class and struggle not to leave or ditch, I don’t understand how people concentrate in class either, I don’t get any work done, I get distracted too easily – usually because I zone out and start daydreaming. School is now so overwhelming and I feel like I’m just a failure and I will be counting on everyone else my entire life which I feel so guilty about.

On top of everything I just so feel indecisive all the time, I don’t know how to make myself feel better and holding a negative attitude so I don’t know what to do with myself, I feel fully drained and have no energy of interest in anything, yet I want to do something.

Right now the only thing that’s making me happy is my friend group, I really count on them for something to live for and getting me through the day but I don’t want to count on this. My friend group is a lot like me in terms of mental illness so they can relate but that also means I don’t want to dump my own problems on them and don’t want to put more pressure on them knowing that I genuinely am feeling so sad.

I have started cutting again, on my wrists now which I have avoided for so long but I just don’t know how to deal with this all.

I know there are things I’m good at too, which are to do with art and writing and stuff, I’m still very passionate about all those, but right now they can’t solve these problems and I don’t know what to do.

There are also the other thoughts, like low self-esteem, loneliness (like wanting a girlfriend loneliness), getting frustrated, guilt, and impulsive decisions, then regret. I also hate saying such negative and depressing things around people too much which I feel so guilty about.

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