So I discovered this place while looking up the best way to kill myself. I’m a 41 year old police officer and retired military veteran. I’ve been in a terrible marriage for the majority of the last 23 years of my life. I’m finally at the point where I can’t take the utter sadness and lack of any joy in my life. I’ve suffered from differing forms of mental illness for the majority of my life: severe depression, borderline personality disorder, ptsd, etc. I’ve been on medications and gone to therapy and they seemed to help when I’m actually happy. I haven’t been happy for quite sometime and whenever I think I may get to feel happiness something (someone) comes in and smashes it all like a spoiled child who has lost at a boardgame. This last happening is the straw that has finally broken my resolve. I can’t go on like this anymore and I’ve already started making my plans on what I’m going to do. I’m writing letters to my family, friends, and co-workers because I don’t want to leave any loose ends for someone to be guessing what they could have done to change this. There is nothing anyone can do to change this. The change that could have happened is completely gone now and I’m just tired of trying. It takes more out of me everyday to stop myself from taking my own life. I’m tired of trying and just want everything to stop.
8 comments
we’re all on the Titanic. some of us are just jumping ship before the plunge.
welcome to the club.
That sad
So sorry to hear that
I think everyone on this site discovered it by looking up suicide methods, I know I did, so you’re talking to like-minded people.
yeah thats how i found it. i wish i could help you i really do. i understand what its like to have someone destroy your life. my mother destroyed mine before i even had a chance to start it. i can’t even get a job. i dont know what country you are in but im sure your country thanks you for your services.
In terms of people taking a bulldozer to your happiness, I’d say not everyone will have experienced life through the filter of BPD and PTSD ect. They lack the maturity to just simply to empathise and tread carefully. You aren’t alone here. Get those notes written and express yourself but I’d recommend putting them away and trying to step outside your current mindset/self. I have recently been in hospital for suicidal reasons (with PTSd and bpd) but I try my best to remember there have been days everything felt in the right place, where happiness prevailed. It’s never too late. You aren’t alone(here or in the world). Best of luck.
I’ve contemplated checking myself in to a hospital for mental help but I’m pretty sure I’d lose my job and never get hired again if I did that. I don’t really have any other marketable skills for the job market out there. I know how to protect people and I know how to investigate crimes. There’s been a wrench thrown in my plans atm, anyway. Someone found my letters before they were to be mailed and took them.
People can be the worst. But they can also be understanding. Your employer should recognise your mental health diagnoses as official illnesses, as if you broke your leg or had cancer. Depression does not discriminate, anyone can develop it. It needs to be treated seriously and the more confident you are the better chance you have of surviving. If someone is prepared to look you in the eye and deny your right to treatment, telling you you’re at risk of losing your job… they are not thinking of the bigger picture, their humanity is missing. I refused to go into my job and got an advocate to tell my asshole of a boss my condition. They then tried to contact me and pay me sick pay, almost begging me to go back. But I decided I couldn’t. It’s not the same situation but you have to do what’s rightt for you. Money isn’t everything, purpose does help but don’t let people stop you from getting help! As for people finding your notes that’s bad, sorry people can’t grant you privacy. I’ve had people do that to me, as if I wasn’t feelinng insane enough… locked journals or anonymous online accounts like these are the best way.