No hope, just anger and pain

  August 12th, 2018 by TheDyingEmperor

Nobody can help me, including myself. That is a crushing feeling.

I really, desperately want to die. I want to murder this worthless male-thing that I am.

The pain is absolutely unbearable. To be completely helpless and hopeless, while at the same time not yet ready to jump.

People can’t relate and can’t say anything useful. ‘Oh, I’ve been there’. No you haven’t. ‘Oh it will get better’. NO IT WON’T! WHY ARE YOU MAKING SUCH HOLLOW STATEMENTS?! You have no fucking clue who I am, how can you say that it will get better?

This is what people always say. Family? I don’t talk to anyone from my family. Friends? I don’t have any. Nobody I could speak to.

If I call some ‘hotline’, well, that’s when I get those kinda statements. Some dude on the phone who was a bit sad when his parents broke up decided to be a volunteer and just says the crap he’s been trained to say.

So who do I turn to? A therapist? I tried, but I can’t afford it, I racked up debt trying to pay for it and it didn’t help. Perhaps it was too short or the therapist was junk or maybe it’s my fault and I didn’t take advantage of it. I don’t know and I cannot know.

I don’t remember ever not wanting to kill myself. I definitely stood behind the fence of the school stairwell when I was 9. I wanted to jump. I STILL WANT TO JUMP.

How can anyone have the nerve to suggest that whatever has been around for almost 20 years that’s crippling me as a person will magically go away?

If I killed myself when I was 9, I wouldn’t have endured all this crap. I regret not having killed myself then and there, at least people would have genuinely cared. And I know that should I live to 40 I will look back at my 20s and curse myself for not taking my life then. HOW LONG MUST I SUFFER BEFORE THE SELF-PRESERVATION FINALLY GIVES IN? PLEASE, MAKE IT STOP!!!

I have no money.
I have nobody to support me.
I cannot make money because I have no qualifications.
I cannot get a qualification because of my immigration status and because I’m broke.
I have mental health problems that I cannot fix because I can’t afford to get them fixed and there is no free help available.
Nobody will listen to me and actually be able to give a single constructive suggestion.
I cannot concentrate on studying or improving myself or getting skills because I have 0 motivation and I’m crippled by my own sadness and hatred.

FFS I can’t even boot up my favourite video games right now! Not because they aren’t playable, but because I’m in so much pain that all I can do is sit in my chair and grind myself to dust with my thoughts. I’m blocked from doing anything.

I don’t want to leave my room or talk to anyone. And then I’m supposed to productively work on artistic projects in my free time, having never created anything for 25 years.

Why didn’t I create anything? Because I had a trash family that didn’t support me. I would have liked to create video games, but my mom ofc didn’t react to it, just kept threatening me with professional schools (plumbing, bricklaying) and to abandon my outright when my hormones exploded at 12. It never even occurred to her that I might have artistic talent that needs nourishing. I didn’t even have my own internet access until I moved to the UK and paid for it.

All she had to do is react to the numberless stories I was bombarding her with and my stupid ‘video game ideas’ and say ‘Alright, cool, this geezer wants to make video games, let me look it up how we can go about it’. ‘Hey, here’s this school, you could get the skills you need, wanna go there.’ BOOM. That’s it. But she couldn’t be bothered because she found my step-dad and she was busy screwing.

And now it’s too late. Interwoven problems upon problems with no help anywhere. I don’t even have the gut to ask anymore, what’s the point of asking for money if I’ll just spend it on food that I eat while staring at my computer, thinking about how miserable I am? That person better keep their money and spend it on something noble, unlike me.

Anything I do, try, undertake, sign up for will invariably 100% fail. It always has, always will. If it’s not my own incompetence or the lack of funds then it’s bureaucracy. And if even THAT cannot get into my way then a woman comes along and accuses me of raping her when in reality she was begging for more (and gets me fired from my dream job).

Nothing can work. Everything I touch, crumbles. People turn away from me because they can feel the immense sadness that I cannot keep down anymore.

I just want to know what could I do to break down my self preservation instinct. Perhaps copious amounts of alcohol, mixed with some other drug? Anything that would flip that switch so I can finally hang myself and be done with it.

Otherwise it’s just pain. And being stuck in this body that I hate.

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