I have been on the site for several months, but this is my first post. I’m making my final plans; composing a note and leaving instructions. I used to cry when thinking about exiting, but now I’m not. I guess this sense of calm means I’m finally ready. Nothing will be made known to anyone else until the final moments, so there is room to change my mind. But if I’m thinking that, does it mean I’m really not ready? Or is this common to have just a little doubt until that final moment?
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I have been totally ready once, yet, I am still here. But I have wondered what a person says or thinks when they are ready. Here is what one person said in what turned out to be the last 30 mins of his life:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LeYVtVg6aGs
In retrospect I don’t even know if I was ready at all after hearing this.
Of course you will draw your own conclusions.
The first few minutes are just of this dude flying around in a stolen aircraft and then the audio starts.
I’ve been ready several times. Strangely I keep finding myself walking forward.
Me too. Seems odd somehow.
That’s the thing about moving forward. I never notice how far I’ve gone until I look back. There in the distance is the heartache. Up ahead, it’s blind trust waiting for me.
That is a good way put it. The blind trust waiting for us keeps me feeling a lot of pressure , not sure if that is the right word, but it is a hard feeling to live with. I sure don’t want to go back to the heartache and I sure don’t want to go back to what I was.
Yesterday I felt like a red hot poker was between my eyes. The rage I had was uncontainable and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do. I did four shots of the most potent alcohol I could find in the house. Brandy. ech. Plus a bunch of benedryl. It didn’t do much good. I finally fell asleep and woke up after having the most vivid dreams. I can’t remember them now, but they weren’t fun or happy, they were just me living more of the monotonous shit I’m living now.
Oh yeah. I used to have nights where I just drank myself to sleep. Sometimes the anger, or pain, or sense of worthlessness from the past was overwhelming and when it was I headed for the liquor. For me it was five shots and off to sleep…
Only my humble opinion …… Feeling as though you can go forward or not is a great place to be and very much a relief. It’s because what usually burdens people the most in life are the things that are out of our control, but our choices and responses ARE in our control; therefore, having a clear mind that says “hey, I can choose either path,” provides the sense of control lacking elsewhere. For me, it’s not about giving meaning to whether I am, or am not, ready …. it’s that I’m fully realizing how it feels to be in the drivers seat. My plan is also ready, stuff bought, and I can choose any day/time now. It feels great. Everyone tells us God will forgive, God won’t forgive, there are unforgivable mortal sins, all sins are forgiven, yada yada … but what the hell do they REALLY know for certain. Do what works, when it works, how it works for YOU! Or don’t do anything ….. all valid and all up to you. Just me ramblings ….. best to you no matter what!
Yes, I am ready to commit as well. I have been putting off for 12 years. I will be committing in the next two weeks. Here’s to wishing us peace in the afterlife and a smooth departure. I hope you are as relieved as me to be leaving this Hell.
Thank you all for your thoughts. I have considered a Facebook post shortly before I go, mainly because I have some acquaintences who would never know what happened otherwise. In that, I was considering putting thoughts similar to what Imaloserboy wrote. That people say this is a permanent solution to a temporary problem – but what if your problem is you? That is permanent. But then again, it isn’t! We are all only temporary, and we will all die one way or another. I’m just choosing to take control and make that decision instead of leaving it up to some imaginary god, or a drunk driver. And yes, here’s to peace in the afterlife and a smooth departure.