Seriously considering blowing my head apart with a shotgun

  August 12th, 2018 by EnslavedByShadows

I’ve been suicidal most of my life and all of my adult life. There’s a shotgun here that I’ve previously avoided because it’s too messy for my taste and I don’t want to leave too much for the cleanup crew. But over the past few days it’s gotten more and more tempting and I’m longing to use it… I just can’t do this anymore. My head never gives me a break and I know I should have done this long ago but I’m too much of a *****… I just can’t do this. I know I’m going to hurt the people who are close to me but that’s starting to matter less and less. The Void inside me is too vast and cold and painful and nothing seems to fill it.. I tried staying alive and resisting my suicidal urges and nothing improves. My hope at ever living a normal functional life has been crushed. I vent here because I don’t want to burden those I’m close to with this.. It’s annoying and stupid and if I was going to get over it I would have already.. I have one final plan for next weekend and then it’s out of this world for me… I can’t live with this void anymore. It eats me alive. I don’t even feel like I’m alive anymore, I’m just an empty shell, a walking corpse. I died years ago. I have no plans for life, I always thought I wouldn’t make it as far as I have but I’m always too much of a ***** to pull the trigger.. My only future plan is to die.. I can’t get past that for whatever reason, there’s a mental wall there… I have a date with Death and she’s stood me up so many times I’m ready to drag her along tooth and nail.. It scares me but that’s all I think about lately.. Anyway, if you’ve read this far thank you… I need to get this out before the deed is done.. Just know I’m doing all of humanity a service..

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