Why do I still think he’ll change? Ever since I was a little girl I knew my father had a rough personality, but while I was growing up, it just got worse. You know.. he’s just like his father but the only difference is that my father doesn’t come home drunk anymore, he stopped because of his girlfriend.
My parents are divorced, and I live with my mom but the thing is, I come and visit my father every summer for about 3-4 weeks. Due to that, my father comes to the city to visit me when he can, ha-ha visit “me”, actually that’s just a lame excuse to say to others, he really comes just to see his girlfriend, for example he comes for 2 weeks and he actually just sees me for a day, and others days he goes to another town to be with her. But yes, he’s coming to see ME. HIS daughter.
I’m 19 now but a few years earlier I had a huge problem with depression, I tried to kill myself a few times but I always failed. I lived with him before and I felt like Cinderella, the girl that I just called by the name ” daughter” but is actually a servant, he would sit in his comfy chair and drink something and play games on his computer, and he would always compare me with other girls because: they clean the house, they wash the dishes, they was their own clothes, they cook blahblahblah. And of course things haven’t changed. Everything I do to help him is never good enough.
Never.
He’s the reason I started cutting few years back and he’s the reason why I always have nightmares before I visit him, you see… he tried to kill my mom by choking her and when I was a little kid he got drunk and almost crashed our car in the wall a few times because he couldn’t control every situation and be the one who everybody serves. Nothing is never good enough for him, and it never was. When my mom used to cook lunch, it wasn’t good enough for him. When I do house chores he still lays in the bed and is playing games on his laptop, and I do all the work and then he asks me to do some more and after I do it all he says that I didn’t do it properly.
Even tho I love him,every time I come to see him at least once he has his “rage attack” where he’s telling all kinds of stuff, comparing me to others, how I’m never gonna find a job etc. I’m legit scared when I come to visit him but I don’t have the courage to tell him that I never wanna see him again because I don’t know how he’ll react… I’m not sure how long will I be able to handle this..
1 comment
I kinda know how you feel. When I was a kid I felt that nothing that i did was good enaugh for my father and that kinda damaged my self asteem. Now I just try to just take him how he is. Maybe if you want to keep seeing your father but dont want to be his servant anymore you could just suggest that you could meet more often like once a month but only for like a day or evening doing some fun activity like going to the pub etc. Thats how I do it with my father now and Its much better than when I stayed in his house for longer periods of time. After all you are an adult and you can decide how often and for how long you want to see him and how you wanna spend that time.