The title makes the theme pretty clear: I have buttloads of Social Anxiety, and it is a living Hell dealing with, ignoring, or confronting it on a daily, and sometimes, hourly basis. I have battled against it my whole memorable life, and I’ve had it up to here- *raises hand to tippy top of head* -with all the bullshit.
I had an amazing day today/yesterday, but all I can think about, all the thoughts I can conjure and obsess over are, “what if I fucked it up? What if the people I talked to and had coffee with in that wonderful, cozy cafe think I am too much, or even worse, can never bring themselves to understand who I am?”. It keeps running through my head, over and over and over again: “You messed it up man; you done fucked up. She won’t really want to be friends with you, let alone like who you are for you. You might as well become reclusive and quit before she leaves you like the rest do.” I always go too fast; come on too hard for people, and it blows up in my face. I’ve never gotten along with shallow people; and, though I admit I have hated them off and on, in the end, them and I just don’t mix well- and that leaves me with a very “shallow” pool of people to choose from: the damaged folk, who’re unable to give back in a friendship; the “I’m just like you, but live way the fuck far away” folk, who, for clear reasons, cannot be in the picture; and, lastly, and definitely least, the end. That’s it; there aren’t any more people.
The worst part is that I cannot make it alone: I really, really want to be able to do that, and I am VERY introverted- though pretend to be an Extrovert to please other people-, but I desperately wish for and desire a few close, understanding, and intimate friends; and, in the long run, a gf/wife. But, as I have for so long, I must wait. I am okay with that, I just wish today was the day; I just wish that this hour was the hour. But, that isn’t how the world or God works.
Thanks for getting this far- *waves to nobody- no one read this*. I hope your lives are at least a bit better than mine.
Appreciate those in your life who love you, and whom you love.