The title makes the theme pretty clear: I have buttloads of Social Anxiety, and it is a living Hell dealing with, ignoring, or confronting it on a daily, and sometimes, hourly basis. I have battled against it my whole memorable life, and I’ve had it up to here- *raises hand to tippy top of head* -with all the bullshit.
I had an amazing day today/yesterday, but all I can think about, all the thoughts I can conjure and obsess over are, “what if I fucked it up? What if the people I talked to and had coffee with in that wonderful, cozy cafe think I am too much, or even worse, can never bring themselves to understand who I am?”. It keeps running through my head, over and over and over again: “You messed it up man; you done fucked up. She won’t really want to be friends with you, let alone like who you are for you. You might as well become reclusive and quit before she leaves you like the rest do.” I always go too fast; come on too hard for people, and it blows up in my face. I’ve never gotten along with shallow people; and, though I admit I have hated them off and on, in the end, them and I just don’t mix well- and that leaves me with a very “shallow” pool of people to choose from: the damaged folk, who’re unable to give back in a friendship; the “I’m just like you, but live way the fuck far away” folk, who, for clear reasons, cannot be in the picture; and, lastly, and definitely least, the end. That’s it; there aren’t any more people.
The worst part is that I cannot make it alone: I really, really want to be able to do that, and I am VERY introverted- though pretend to be an Extrovert to please other people-, but I desperately wish for and desire a few close, understanding, and intimate friends; and, in the long run, a gf/wife. But, as I have for so long, I must wait. I am okay with that, I just wish today was the day; I just wish that this hour was the hour. But, that isn’t how the world or God works.
Thanks for getting this far- *waves to nobody- no one read this*. I hope your lives are at least a bit better than mine.
Appreciate those in your life who love you, and whom you love.
Todd Barker
6 comments
Us introverts live in a world where extroverts win, so we must attempt to copy them in order to succeed. Think about it. Jobs for example. Basically any job that can be done without much human interaction, unless it is a very high skilled and specific job, could just be done by robots. What robots can’t do is connect with people, and that’s where the extroverts thrive. It really sucks introverts don’t fit into society well, but I don’t see a possible solution
I think “introvert” and “extrovert” are more buzzwords than anything. You can’t change your height or your IQ but people change from being more or less introverted or extroverted over the course of…a day, months, spans of several years or decades.
Sometimes throwing yourself out there….almost willingly trying to make a fool of yourself can help break up that fear. Like if you have a fear of heights you should probably go sky diving, cause after that it’s definitely not gonna be there.
SA sucks ass. i would not consider myself an introvert, because i used to love talking to people. i still wish i could talk to people like i used too, but my SA holds me back.
Ima try CBD oil daily because apparently it helps with this… amongst other things. Not sure how it will go but high hopes.
Love your title. Made my day somehow.
You just explained my life exactly to a tee. Thanks for the post, it was nice to read.