Well, where do I begin?
My life has been a roller coaster and would probably make an intriguing, but sad film.
So, why am I here?
I want to die. Badly. The decision is made and it will be carried out very, very soon. First a few affairs to get in order, then off to eternal sleep.
Why?
In a nutshell…..
When I was teen I was physically and sexually abused by my stepfather in private. He would sneak into my room, when I was asleep, put duct tape over my mouth to stop screaming. Then after each time he would say that “nobody believes little boys so its no use telling anyone, and if you do. I will kill you and hide your body.”
So at age 18, I finally had the courage to fight back. Then all those secrets came out and crushed my poor mother’s heart.
Naturally it was instant divorce.
So, jump a year ahead, I moved out to go to uni. I waited tables and worked behind the bar. Juggling the hours and low pay was a struggle.
Anyway, I was approached by a manager of a high escort agency as he said, well…some flattering things. (Even though I was never comfortable about my appearance. But I will admit that I looked very fit from gym).
Long story short, I worked as a male escort for an agency, then fell into working in porn, working in topless boy bars.
The cash was rolling in. I was super popular. The ‘it’ guy. And ‘the hot guy with a bad attitude”.
That was 20 years ago.
I am now 44.
I feel like such a jerk for the way I was.
The coin has flipped because now I am invisible and all I see is a very ugly diseased man.
there are a few issues with me now.
Health wise I have HIV, severe depression and PTSD. No meds or counselling for the past 15 years has helped. It makes me feel worse.
So now in 2018?
I am bullied by my neighbors constantly as they are always calling me names like “ugly old fag” and “ugly nerd”, and on and on. The police could not care less because apparently there is no law about name calling and bulling, unless they physically touch which they don’y. But they do spy on me non-stop which is sickening. But to be honest, I think the reason they call me names is that they are NOT an oil painting themselves. In fact, they are very repulsive and look unhygienic. The evidence shows the disgusting state of their front house. That is the truth.
However, I feel and admit I look hideous. Though I don’t need to be bullied about it. I cannot even look at myself without feeling sick. I mean that literally. I can’t look at my face in the mirror anymore. I hate myself so much. I was so selfish and greedy.
But here’s the thing?
So okay, I was a male whore, but I do not think it was really about the money.
In hindsight, I was craving the attention of a father figure.
But now at 44, I am single, in pain, and my shame and self-hatred is through the roof. The only person that seems t care is my beautiful mother. Not even my best mate cares. he is sick of my whinging. I don’t blame him.
I need to die and get out of everyone’s’ way. I actually planned a date. That was 2 weeks ago but there is some kind of energy around me that stops me.
Not this time. I need to end this agony as it is unbearable and cruel to feel like this. I am even terrified to go to the shops. I have panic attacks and feel so paranoid that everyone is looking at me because I look hideous. This is NOT a vanity thing. This is a severe lack of self-confidence and depression eating me alive from the inside.
I don’t know who to blame. My stepfather or myself. I say both. But most of all, I need to die. I have had enough and can barely get out of bed. I have had to stop work and I have 2 university degrees! I am a total loser and know it.
And I am so sick of the bullying from the neighbors. Those words are killing me and feel like knives being shoved all my body. I can’t stand hearing it over and over. Why do they do this to me?
This site is the only place to admit the truth about how I really feel.
No more crying because the tear is literally ran dry. So I can’t cry. I am numb all over.
The damage is done.
Thank you for reading my thoughts. I have some plans to make and this time, there is no turning back.
Bye.
4 comments
Hey,
I can’t say I know your exact circumstance, but, I was sexually abused as a child too. Much like you, the worthlessness and ugliness carried on through childhood to adulthood, resulting in addiction and escorting both for the cash and to feel another’s touch.
I am 33. Have been out of the snow/escorting world for 11 years , but there are reminders that haunt me- Poking, belittling, pushing my head under water.
I can relate to most of what you have been and are going through. I don’t care to change your mind about eternal rest, (hell, Im no hypocrite) but maybe we can chat in the meantime so you can have a bit more mental ease while you’re still around.
Hey there!
Thank you for reading my story and I honored that you could relate to my thoughts, as nobody around me seems to understand. I was planning to go ahead with the ‘deed’ yesterday. But as I tried to open up to a friend about my depression he has suddenly gone cold on me and says literally to my face “I have enough of your selfish vain s**t, grow up, get over it, I want nothing more to do with you. get out of my house”.
So, I left and went home. Crawled up into a pathetic foetal position and cried myself to sleep.
Now, no more crying.
That pretty much sums it all up now.
I am sorry but there definitely no time like the present. I shall be making preparations shortly and I going.
No turning back.
Thank you for your kind words.
Brody
Are you still here? Please stay.
Don’t give up, not yet. Who cares what other people say… most people are idiots.. they would not understand. It’s not your fault you had such bad circumstances in childhood, you deserved better. For the time you decide to stay… I hope you find happiness and peace.