Tonight is the night

1. Happy Holidays.. Do you celebrate?
2. Are you really going to commit or just kicking around the idea?

I’d love to be able to jump to it, I’ve been trying to commit for 12 years.. keep making adjustions to the plan because things keep throwing me off course. For example I was 12 when I decided I would die this way, so I couldn’t think of anything to do other pray for death, so I decided when I turned 18 I would buy a shotgun and drive out into the deep wooded area and shoot my self through mouth towards brain, but when 18 came around I sold all of my things and had only around 150$ but the gun cost 250$, I had to get a job so I could afford to buy a shotgun.

This job I got at 19. Of course I couldn’t manage to save and then out of the blue one day after 7 months of dedicated work to the company just as I declared within myself that this check would be the one I would take immediately to cash and buy my shotgun, I am let go. I used to work 37 hours a week, pulling 4 am-1pm almost every weekday. Although I had not thought it through much because I had been coaxed into speaking of my suicidal feelings to someone that had never been understanding, kind, or trustworthy and hospitalized but I didnt know at the time that if you had been in hospital you would not be able to purchase shotguns from the sales store.. after I lost my job I began being horribly sexually abused, starting with a manager from my job, no idea why..

The same dirty folks coaxed me into the hospital again in Jan 2015 at 20 years old where I was in a short coma, because they improperly sedated me into coma. They started dragging me into rooms and sticking needles into every part of my body. I could no longer work and I gained 70 pounds. I couldn’t work for 3 years but I got a gift worth about 250$ so I traded for a shotgun at 21, I had in my car trunk but was followed and then coaxed into the mental hospital again (Where I think I was raped while sedated) I was in for 28 days.

At 22, I started to be raped regularly, a night after a woman forced her mouth around my asshole and started licking I was taken to jail for the first time, then I was taken to jail again for second DUI just two months later. That night I was having my last night on earth celebration because the next day I was going to drive to a bridge 3 hours from town to jump off to commit. I was considering San Francisco but of course as deprived as I am, I could not get there. I haven’t been able to drive since Oct. 16, 2016.

I took a bunch of pills but nowhere near enough to actually kill me, and was coaxed by the same terrible people into the hospital where I began to have sleep paralysis. I’ve known since a young girl the only way life would ever be worth living if I could leave these people and never see them again. I tried but never could, totally oppressed and depraved..

I got home and started collecting more pills so if I had to overdose I would have a lethal amount different than the last experiment with pills. I also found a video on how to build a shotgun so bought buckshot and followed the instructions. I thought I had it perfect and rode my bike out to test it but I couldn’t get the gun to fire. I had 150% lethal dose of pills, but I spilled some so I haven’t taken yet just in case it doesn’t work. I am interested in asphyxiation by hydrogen or ******** mask, if I can’t get shotgun. After a particularly eventful rape, I walked about 10 miles to a cliff near where I live, I was trying to jump off but there was a ledge underneath that would have caught my fall. After those rapes I have nothing to do other than end my life, I no longer have motivation to do anything important and the only thing important to them is sexual pleasure and rape.

I paid 2500$ to get my license back but then I was taken to jail 2x in 2 weeks and now I cannot drive again after being able to drive for about 4 weeks, I was smoking marijuana again because I wanted to see if my marijuana would make my life feel worth living still because that is the only hobby I’ve ever enjoyed and made me feel less oppressed and trapped. I enjoyed it but then was arrested twice in 11 days..

I then bought charcoal and although I can’t drive and would prefer to commit suicide away from home in the deep woods, with gun or I guess asphyxiation now, I may have to commit at home because I guess I can’t drive??

Otherwise I’ve been completely alone (except terrible folk) and none other than miserable since October 16,2016.

I’ve been planning to complete suicide since june 2017 when I finished collecting my lethal dose of pills but I have put it off thinking I could get my license back and maybe complete my dream of committing in the back woods. I’ve also paid back all the money I’ve borrowed so I have nothing else I owe and nothing is keeping me from killing myself because I do not have any debt that would leave someone in financial ruin when I commit. Now I can’t drive again and have to do a whole load of more sh*t for the court which is all I’ve done the last two years. I always wonder was it the woman who ate out my @sshole is that why I have to do all of this?