Where the Lonely Ones Roam

  August 7th, 2018 by sansfranzdeput

If you’ve ever seen any of my previous posts on my chronic mental and emotional afflictions, then you must know this: that I am in pain; and, for most people- if not all- pain is something people hate. They most often turn to addiction or something essentially the same to hide or suppress their issue, whatever it may be.

I myself have had addiction issues before, and still struggle with an addiction to Pornography. That, and my depression and all around loneliness will be the topics I so boringly lay out before you all in this post today.

 

Since a very young age, I have been obsessed with finding a girl to love. I saw girls and women; bodies and minds, but did not know what they meant, or even what they were. Then, as I found porn, I discovered how beautiful they were; albeit from the most perverse and rotten possible method, I had indeed found beauty and loveliness incarnate.

For years and years; for whole seasons of my life, I learned the ways of people: how to smile and interpret faces; how to laugh for real, and a polite, tidy guffaw. But in the midst of all of these things, not once had I found love; nor, to an ever growing and ever expanding sense of dread and, indeed, sadness within me, had I found a companion.

In the Garden of Eden, where Adam, the first Man, Made by God Himself lived, he named the beasts and walked the earth; ate the fruit given to him, and breathed the air in content, forgoing one thing what he lacked: a companion. God saw that it was not right for Adam to be alone, and so, from Adam he made Eve; from Man, Woman; from first, second. To this effect, he gave Adam what he so desperately needed to live, and have joy in living.

 

I am worse than Adam: I am stuck with his Sin, and yet am alone; for in the depths of my heart lies only respect and love and artistic interest in girls and women, but I am restricted and by my own hand only reduced to viewing the abuse of beauty and the whoring of “love”, instead of finding its true form. I hate Porn. I HATE IT. It is total shit and has no place in the world.

Now, don’t get me wrong: I love the idea of sex- yep, I’m an adult virgin/the whole marriage thing in my other post was to hide my shame of never having had a family-, and I appreciate wholly nude art and the understanding of sexuality and the likeness, but Porn is none of those things: it is evil, it is vile; its tongue holds the interest and intent of lust alone, not love or caring or compromise. Its heart is of rape and violence; and beyond its outer coat of rightful desire, there lies alone, the craving of a madman and the marked depression of the lonely who roam the night.

 

I don’t even want someone to have sex with- not yet. All I want; all I have been dreaming of, is a girl to hold, and hold me back; a soft, warm being to be beside me; to speak to me, and kiss my nose. I want someone to watch movies with at the 11:00 pm showing, when usually I am all alone, sitting all cold and lonesome in the top section. I want another hand to squeeze and make myself calm by. I know what I want can never happen, and I am fully aware of how stupid it is for me to look after this foolish concept; I just wish it could be. A thousand stars to all of the wonderful, intelligent, curious women I know, who’ll never love me, let alone understand or have an interest in me.

I am the kind of man who is always in the friendzone; and, mostly, that is what I want. Women are my friend, and neither of us ever try anything. But, as time goes on, I find myself wishing there would come one who’d prove me a man.

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