I recently let my mental health control my college education AGAIN. I thought after the two hospitalizations and the constant risk of being homeless almost 2 years ago I would have learned my lesson. I lost my financial aid, I can’t pay rent because I am shitty at keeping a job. I am going through one of my credit cards going to collections because I fucked up how their payment process worked. I am damaged because I was raped. I have depression and I hate myself for not letting the right people in and the wrong people in. I wish I could just be some degree of a functional adult.I just sat here and cried about how I could not talk to an ex who became a really good friend and then I lost. I would love to talk to him. I thought about it, I got fucking triggered because I saw some photo of him in the city I was raped and where the rapist was moving back too really soon. I felt so ashamed. I can’t even try and fix something with someone who I really wish I could talk too. He was my first love, but he was also my best friend. I pushed him out last year, and I wish I hadn’t. I feel so pathetic because I wish I had him right now or someone I fucking felt safe with to talk to. I am sitting here, alone. BEING PATHETIC. BEING THIS WASHED UP PERSON WHO CAN NOT DO ANYTHING RIGHT. I have considered trying to attempt again. NO BEING A PATHETIC IDIOT AND RUNNING TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM. I will find a method that is successful and get me out of here quick. I need to stop being a waste of space. I need to stop being here. I can not keep trying to do this. I keep sitting here in the shitty of cycle of crashing and burning. I am done. I need to stop thinking that it gets better because somehow in my fucking universe I am continuously in one shitty situation after another.
I just want the pain to end and the tears to stop. I want the sadness to be over. I want to be gone.