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Wishing I wasn’t so fucked up

by falling_soup

I recently let my mental health control my college education AGAIN. I thought after the two hospitalizations and the constant risk of being homeless almost 2 years ago I would have learned my lesson. I lost my financial aid, I can’t pay rent because I am shitty at keeping a job. I am going through one of my credit cards going to collections because I fucked up how their payment process worked. I am damaged because I was raped. I have depression and I hate myself for not letting the right people in and the wrong people in. I wish I could just be some degree of a functional adult.I just sat here and cried about how I could not talk to an ex who became a really good friend and then I lost. I would love to talk to him. I thought about it, I got fucking triggered because I saw some photo of him in the city I was raped and where the rapist was moving back too really soon. I felt so ashamed. I can’t even try and fix something with someone who I really wish I could talk too. He was my first love, but he was also my best friend. I pushed him out last year, and I wish I hadn’t. I feel so pathetic because I wish I had him right now or someone I fucking felt safe with to talk to. I am sitting here, alone. BEING PATHETIC. BEING THIS WASHED UP PERSON WHO CAN NOT DO ANYTHING RIGHT. I have considered trying to attempt  again. NO BEING A PATHETIC IDIOT AND RUNNING TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM. I will find a method that is successful and get me out of here quick. I need to stop being a waste of space. I need to stop being here. I can not keep trying to do this. I keep sitting here in the shitty of cycle of crashing and burning. I am done. I need to stop thinking that it gets better because somehow in my fucking universe I am continuously in one shitty situation after another.

 

I just want the pain to end and the tears to stop. I want the sadness to be over. I want to be gone.

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fakehappy 8/13/2018 - 6:32 pm

I have PTSD too, I’m not in debt but there’s ways out. Many people around me found ways out of it. If there is financial aid for mental health where you are take it. Keeping a well paid job is difficult/nigh..impossible with trauma please be kind to yourself. seek some mental health help, you will need it. A good councillor or a good friend. Don’t give up, I wanted to and there’s help out there. Let’s hope rapists get what’s coming to them, they deserve the pain they put their victims through. It’s not just in the moment it’s a lifelong issue… just for their gratification. Their ego. One thing I really can’t come to terms with is one person who abused me as a kid, he gets to live in the mointains in Italy. I have to live in a house that haunts me, people harrass me here. I despise that life does this to us but I hope one day we find strength to find happier days in beautiful places. Be strong, taking one day at a time.

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