Anybody else planning on hitting the death train this Tuesday night/Wednesday?
So for perspective, I’m not the person to choose suicide as my last option, but honestly life has taught me that I can do a lot of things I never imagined. So both my parents are dead (that’s a bummer); Father died when I was 6, and Mother died when I was a sophomore in highschool (about 4 years ago). Never got to say goodbye to both, mainly my mother coz I was in boarding school having calculus shoved down my throat while she was dying in hospital. You gotta love your extended family coz they just know how to make life miserable. Evil stepmother? no, just an evil grandmother and a drunkard uncle to make my life peachy.
By some miracle out of heaven I got a scholarship to study in the USA with my sister (same college). I love her to death, and she is probably the best thing in my life. But all the years of abuse are taking their toll on me, coz I can’t see anything good about myself and the anxiety I have now is unimaginable. I don’t smoke, drink or do drugs and never have but I can’t manage the anxiety anymore, and I have no one to talk to about this coz I don’t have any family that I’m close to. I could never tell my sister that I’m going to kill myself!! Heck she’s struggling just as I am (and to mention, am a guy), so all the pressure of being a man, and the expectations I have from the people back home who think I’m enjoying the american life; it’s gone past manageable. So i haven’t been to any class since the fall semester opened (august 19) and instructors have dropped me out of half my classes, now I can’t make enough credits to keep my scholarship. So it’s not public yet, and I have until this weekend to make my decision.
I have been thinking about killing myself ever since my senior year in high school. Don’t know how I held out until now coz it’s been hell to say the least. I’ve had to fight my uncle multiple times just to stop the abuse, and I had to leave home all day and come back at night just to avoid my grandmother’s constant insults of how I’ll never be anything. All this happened to me mainly coz I’m a guy and apparently people treat you really bad coz of it. My sister got it easy, they treated her brittle heart well coz they knew she’s just a girl but me, I guess I was worthy to be the punching bag? lol. Anyway, I’m signing off, and I hope someone sees this and does the opposite. I did this after years of contemplating and going every possible way I knew best. If you made your decision overnight coz you argued with your mom and she didn’t leave you supper then just don’t do it. People who kill themselves don’t go to heaven, so don’t do it hoping to go to a better place, just push through and do whatever you can.
To those who are planning: I’ll see you on the other side then?