Anybody else planning on hitting the death train this Tuesday night/Wednesday?
So for perspective, I’m not the person to choose suicide as my last option, but honestly life has taught me that I can do a lot of things I never imagined. So both my parents are dead (that’s a bummer); Father died when I was 6, and Mother died when I was a sophomore in highschool (about 4 years ago). Never got to say goodbye to both, mainly my mother coz I was in boarding school having calculus shoved down my throat while she was dying in hospital. You gotta love your extended family coz they just know how to make life miserable. Evil stepmother? no, just an evil grandmother and a drunkard uncle to make my life peachy.
By some miracle out of heaven I got a scholarship to study in the USA with my sister (same college). I love her to death, and she is probably the best thing in my life. But all the years of abuse are taking their toll on me, coz I can’t see anything good about myself and the anxiety I have now is unimaginable. I don’t smoke, drink or do drugs and never have but I can’t manage the anxiety anymore, and I have no one to talk to about this coz I don’t have any family that I’m close to. I could never tell my sister that I’m going to kill myself!! Heck she’s struggling just as I am (and to mention, am a guy), so all the pressure of being a man, and the expectations I have from the people back home who think I’m enjoying the american life; it’s gone past manageable. So i haven’t been to any class since the fall semester opened (august 19) and instructors have dropped me out of half my classes, now I can’t make enough credits to keep my scholarship. So it’s not public yet, and I have until this weekend to make my decision.
I have been thinking about killing myself ever since my senior year in high school. Don’t know how I held out until now coz it’s been hell to say the least. I’ve had to fight my uncle multiple times just to stop the abuse, and I had to leave home all day and come back at night just to avoid my grandmother’s constant insults of how I’ll never be anything. All this happened to me mainly coz I’m a guy and apparently people treat you really bad coz of it. My sister got it easy, they treated her brittle heart well coz they knew she’s just a girl but me, I guess I was worthy to be the punching bag? lol. Anyway, I’m signing off, and I hope someone sees this and does the opposite. I did this after years of contemplating and going every possible way I knew best. If you made your decision overnight coz you argued with your mom and she didn’t leave you supper then just don’t do it. People who kill themselves don’t go to heaven, so don’t do it hoping to go to a better place, just push through and do whatever you can.
To those who are planning: I’ll see you on the other side then?
17 comments
Hey
Good luck through death’s doors! I got your point and think like you. When its time to pass we know it!
And about the pressure over a guy, yes it’s huge. The world expect men are emotional super heroes and get financially successful magically. But girls are bitterly pressured too…a lot! They are treated sweetly (sometimes) bc they expect girls’ll give sth in return: sex, attention, do the homework/housework, give money, give love, follow cults etc. and besides that girls must look like models(perfect bodies that never get old) and be succesful and super hero mothers/wives/professionals.
What I mean is that its the same sh*it pressured over men and women. They demand a lot of stuff from you and never tell you how to get it.
If you so young have already noticed what life really is I will be sincere with you: the sh*it changes in the surface but its always a sh*it. If you really dont want to play the game dont play expecting different results bc if you find reasons and happiness it’ll be always temporary! Then…sh*it again…and you feeling like sh*it.
Anyway…good luck!
I appreciate the honesty. I’ve read through most suicide forums and usually the best people have is “Just keep living, it gets better” but that’s not what people like us need to hear. Sometimes honesty is the only answer, however a person handles that knowledge is up to him or her. So thanks. I realize no matter how long you plan it, no matter how much life is dirt, that final moment is always scary as hell. I’m down to a few hours now and I can’t stop thinking about my sister, but I couldn’t help now while I’m alive might as well bite the dust.
I hope you find what you’re looking for, I’m guessing you’re a girl so I understand your point.
Hi
Yes I’m a lady.
You are welcome. In this kind of moment and as I am suicidal too sincerity is the only thing that helps a bit.
Die is really scary, you are right. Hope you can have the courage enough to do what you decide to do.
I’m still gathering forces to commit suicide. I shoot and in the last month I didn’t practice because the temptation to shoot my head is huge…and I do not feel prepared enough yet.
What I heard is that when its your right moment to die you feel more peaceful than desperate or nervous. If you feel freedom and peace, that’s your clue its your right time.
Good luck! 🙂
(And I envy you a bit…cause your suffering will end soon)
I WANT to go.. But care too much about others feelings to do it right now.
But best of luck to you.. I hope your exit out of here goes as smoothly as possible.
P.S. I don’t think ANYONE goes to heaven.. Or hell, for that matter. I think both are made up and we just stop existing. Peaceful nonexistance sounds so nice after the stress and misery and loneliness of life.
I also don’t want to go lol but I’m at the “slim chance of making it” point of my life. Without my scholarship I’m pretty much hellbound anyway coz living on the streets is not my gig. I have two people I care about too, and my sister is practically the reason I came this far without losing my mind. But you win some you lose some, as they say. I’ll be dead and the world will move on but eventually we all go to the same place. So I’ll tell you this, lice what you can live, don’t want what you don’t want lol. Coz if you keep thinking about ending it, and yet forcing yourself to live; ylthe day you decide to keep living you would have already ruined yourself by hoping to die. And thanks nothing is ever smooth I know that, and I’m heading out the hard way (good old rope-a-dope) so I don’t expect to have a good time. But heaven or non existence it doesn’t matter now I guess, coz I’ll be finding out soon enough. You take it easy.
I’m planning and able to take my life at any time not exactly sure on the how but I have nothing I want to/need to do before my departure.. I just wish I could kill myself in a more fabulous way but I am limited on finances so I have to take the cheapest, most reliable way out… if I had a better income I could get a flight to Mexico City and buy n*mbutal…. which is desirable persay…. otherwise if I had some money stashed I could buy a gun from a private dealer… otherwise I have some pills and think an alcohol blend would do the trick…. but I have no reason to continue forth living. I am like you, I have been planning suicide for a long time (but not since a senior in high school. I started planning my suicide I think as early as a 6th grader I would put bags over my head to try to “not wake up the next day.” I became really confident in my decision to commit suicide as being the right choice for myself maybe as a freshman or sophomore…. by junior/senior year I was making committed plans to finish high school since I couldn’t die from bag suffocation, and commit on my 18th birthday)
It didn’t work out quite like that, it has been some 6 years but still trying to commit (nothing worthwhile or worth living for has happened in those 6 years) if anyone would give me pills or anything to injest/inject and tell me you would die upon taking, I would trust them and take them. That’s how it is but that never happens. Suicide is hard because you have to do it all on your own… I honestly expected to be dead and gone as early as 6 years prior, so everyday is just coming to terms with not accomplishing my goals… how many years has it been since your senior year? When do you plan on committing?
I am not ill or anything, I just see life as something I do not want to experience… kind of a better off dead scenario… I suppose I have a life I do not want…
All in all, my plans were 18 at the latest, otherwise I would have committed younger, 18 was the latest I could see myself living, ideally if I was able I would have ended my life many years before 18…
Hey I’m alive still, another day I don’t want to live
I don’t know how old you are but I figure your life is just as messed up as mine if not worse. I won’t judge you about wanting to die (let’s face it we both haven’t figured this life thing out). I admire your sense of fashion, I’d use a gun if I had the choice but I’m not looking to drag things out. I thought about pills but the best stuff is prescription, and I don’t feel like spending Tuesday night in a motel slowing dying while hallucinating and shittting my pants because all I could afford was 200 tablets of freaking Benadryl. So I chose the rope as the best option, easy cheap less of a mess and do able in a motel room without chance of discovery for at least a few days so there is almost no way it can fail. I hope you get when you wanna go, I’d say join me but I’m mentally unstable not crazy psychotic so I’m not gonna make choices for anyone about his or her life. The best I can say is good luck and whatever you decide is your decision alone.
And to answer your question, it’s been 4 years since my senior year. And I plan on ending it Tuesday or Wednesday this week.
Good luck to you !
Thanks
Hey, buddy! From the bottom of heart, I’d want to see you postpone this, but then, what do I know how deep a dark pit you’ve slipped into.
Do you intend people to find out? If not, how about getting away from your sister first? Say, you disappear leaving behind a note saying you’re gonna spend the rest of your long life travelling or living for Jesus or something vague like that. That way she’ll surely hate you for your selfishness but perhaps she’ll not be as traumatized as she would be when she finds out what you did to yourself.
I’m sorry if I’m trespassing here, but felt like suggesting a workaround just for your sister’ sake.
In the end, it’s your call and yours alone. Hope you find peace.
I hear you on that point. I was gonna take a bus out somewhere and off myself somewhere I’ll never be found (at least won’t easily be found), and not leave a letter coz no one would suspect I went to end myself. They’d all think I ran off somewhere and disappeared. But I honestly would want to postpone, and I’m waiting trying to think of another way but when your options are failing it’s hard to think sometimes. I planned this but I never thought things would be this scary lol. But thanks anyway.
Hello I can help you/provide you company when you are going to commit because I am trying to commit for around 15 years now and I am about the same stage as you, that has been me the last three to four years, it is like you say, you have no other choice and you are so desperate but you always thought there was another way to commit but you can’t figure it out…… yeah, I get it there is no easy way to commit it seems that is why I need you and you need me I can tell you how I feel and will listen to you because I hope to commit suicide but I wish there was another way to commit please message me prayforplagues protonmail com
Is there a chance I could talk to you? I want to be there for you. I honestly believe it is your choice to go or to stay. It should be a human right to decide to die, especially when you have thought about it for such a long time. I am not there to tell you “life is beautiful”. I know it’s rough.. it’s hard. You really are suffering and probably have endured already quite some time for your sister. But please, you owe it to her to say goodbye. Please just don’t vanish.. you said you never were able to say goodbye to your mother or to your father.. and now you just want to leave your sister without saying goodbye? You owe her a goodbye, have a day with her before you leave and tell her goodbye. I am not saying you are not allowed to die, I believe it is your right. BUT say goodbye. She will find out that you took your life eventually.. you are dying anyways and she is losing you anyways.. she will be able to cope better with your loss with a goodbye.
I haven’t seen one beautiful thing about life so I don’t not get why you say that?
Hey waterworks,
I’m sorry about your hardships. It may be too late to bid you farewell and wish you safe passage, but I sincerely hope your decision will bring you peace.
Suicide was always my only and first option since a baby girl of about 9….