A shitty night

So many times over the past few years I’ve been suicidal. I know it becomes really bad when I come here. I went out tonight. I never imagined when I was younger that I would have friends that cared about me. I know now my family really does care. But somehow I still don’t. I still have the urge to end my life. It gets better and then I trip off something and I feel the need to end it all. To take away my thoughts. I really wonder what my purpose on this earth is for. I don’t feel like I have one. I guess what really set me off tonight was the romantic rejection of a guy I thought was interested in me. Doesn’t seem like it anymore. And now I’m questioning what’s wrong with me? Why am I like this? I feel normal at times but other times I feel like there’s not a single soul on my page that could remotely connect with me. Why do I feel the need to validate myself off how a man feels about me? Why do I overthink things? Why can’t I just shut my brain off. This year has been shit. I wish I could just disappear. Sorry for the ramble.