I really want someone to tell me I’m a horrible person. I’ve lost or strained all my friendships over the years by pushing my depression on others, not giving people space and when people block me I end up harassing them by trying to get around the block. I don’t mean to hurt anyone but I can’t stop myself from doing it either. I tell myself I’ll be better next time but it’s happened so many times, I’ve pushed away some of the closest people to me. One person I pushed away was a stepcousin who was there for me in when I was hospitalized in 2014… and there are others.
But recently I did it to the first girl I’ve ever loved. I’m 25, I’ve waited for love my entire life, and things were good but I couldn’t control my depression and even though she suffers from it too and I knew she couldn’t handle it I did the same thing to her. Projected my problems until it wore our relationship down, and she ultimately broke things off and blocked me. I emailed her and she threatened legal action if I contacted again… it’s been almost eight weeks and I’m still deadly depressed. I’m not a good person. Please, someone shame me. I’m hopeless and shouldn’t subject people to myself any longer. I’m all alone and it’s my fault. I need to be abused. I deserve it. I wish I could die… maybe if I did then she and the rest of them would feel something for me again. I’ve already written notes…
I am such trash. Berate me. I want to be abused. Maybe I will hurt myself tonight.
2 comments
yep, push people away who i want to be close with. project my issues onto others. cling and obsess until they grow irritated then i become paranoid and aggressive. all sounds familiar to me
borderline maybe? constantly and excessively needing others but pushing them away,
fractured sense of self and interpersonal space… idk its hard though to keep ruining things that could make your life better if you just had acted differently
I kind of get the state you re at. Like I am so terrorised all the time that people will leave me that it actually almost ends in a self fulfilled prophecy because whether I am imposing my problems in whining almost everyday or I can go on talking nonsense for litteraly hours and end up realizing how pathetic, self-centered and lame I am. Eventually I ll get so ashamed that I can’t figure out how people can still like me. So I end up cutting myself to the rest of the world and being all paranoid and suicidal until I meet someone new and the cycle repeats itself. Recently everything is going well for me but I can feel that dark part of me trying to ruin my friendship with my oldest friends who still stayed despite everything. My love relationships were a disaster and although I m only 21 I decided to never be romantically involved again. But still I have reasons to carry on. I hate myself every freaking day but I know that my siblings and some friends love me and would really be hurt if I came to dissappear. So I try my best not to give in on my most irrational thoughts and fight off this sick soul of mine because that is what I have more or less done for the past 4 years. So maybe tell yourself that no matter what you hold for certain now maybe you realise that you were wrong and that you’re not such a bad person and that you have still a reason not to die.