All I do is hurt others

  September 4th, 2018 by endlessmonster

I really want someone to tell me I’m a horrible person. I’ve lost or strained all my friendships over the years by pushing my depression on others, not giving people space and when people block me I end up harassing them by trying to get around the block. I don’t mean to hurt anyone but I can’t stop myself from doing it either. I tell myself I’ll be better next time but it’s happened so many times, I’ve pushed away some of the closest people to me. One person I pushed away was a stepcousin who was there for me in when I was hospitalized in 2014… and there are others.

But recently I did it to the first girl I’ve ever loved. I’m 25, I’ve waited for love my entire life, and things were good but I couldn’t control my depression and even though she suffers from it too and I knew she couldn’t handle it I did the same thing to her. Projected my problems until it wore our relationship down, and she ultimately broke things off and blocked me. I emailed her and she threatened legal action if I contacted again… it’s been almost eight weeks and I’m still deadly depressed. I’m not a good person. Please, someone shame me. I’m hopeless and shouldn’t subject people to myself any longer. I’m all alone and it’s my fault. I need to be abused. I deserve it. I wish I could die… maybe if I did then she and the rest of them would feel something for me again. I’ve already written notes…

I am such trash. Berate me. I want to be abused. Maybe I will hurt myself tonight.

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