Another day to speak on my suicide

  September 25th, 2018 by Cause of Death: Suicide

It really is an accident I didn’t die 6 years prior to when I am writing this.

I used every inch of feeling and passion and power in my body spent wishing for this day, the day I would end my life……

The day was August 1, 2012.

The day was planned for at least 4 years, when I realized I couldn’t kill my self by putting a bag over my head. “There must be a simpler way,” I thought. “How can I cease to continue through this unwanted life, instantaneously?”

Of course the midnights – 4ams as a young teenager, I was in desperation. I had nothing to do other than try to end my life. I began my search through thousands of forums speaking on suicide. I found every squeezable source of information on how to commit and charts/data on the frequency and statistics of suicide. I found county laws. I found little studies. I no longer research this topic through forums but I do use this database. I do not research because all you will find now are pro-lifers and the problems they have with salvation through self-destruction.. I stumbled of course through these pages picking up on gunshot as being the most effective, thereby meaning.. NO CHANCE OF SURVIVAL.. I vowed that I had to do this, so I browsed state laws to come to an understanding that you can buy weapons legally not until the age of 18.

Keep in mind, at this point, I am a terrified 12 year old girl…. I am scared heartless of pain and I can’t even cut myself because the pain it might cause. I suck it up and think “If I shoot my self it will only last a moment and then I will never have to live with this ever again.” I blow out my birthday candles and wait and wait and wait and wait and wait for the day I turn 18, (unless getting cancer would come sooner and I could die quietly overnight as I tell no one I have cancer..so I wish on my candles for cancer, hoping I can get it and pass overnight before 18 arrives..) It is legal for me to get a gun when I reach that age and I will no longer have to live my life in misery and fear and agony ..

Instead of ending my pain and agony I am taken to a mental hospital, now I spend most days slamming my head against walls and having flashbacks of when they would shove needles into my skin to tranquilize me . Inside of the mental hospital I had to attempt to break my own neck… a man raped me while I slept in the mental hospital heavily sedated by abilify and now I have an incubus that rapes or attacks me at least 4 times a month… I wonder if it has to do with me being molested as a young child?

I still live out every day just waiting until I can run from the predators and end my life, probably somewhere deep dark and cold..a corpse in the middle of nowhere with the head blown off by gunshot, yeah not trying to sugar coat anything at all, that is my future hopes for myself and my most enamorous dream

Is it true you can not purchase firearms after being in the mental hospital? I was only in psych ward (or whatever you want to call the place where you are locked up with some girls and with the whores wearing uniforms) for 70 days. I live in the United States. I have previously purchased off a private seller online/local meeting marketplace … but my weapon was taken and ‘they’ wouldn’t give it back….????. Should I attempt this way again? It was a Stevens 12 ga…

There’s no chance I am living this life I have been trying to kill my self for almost 13 years….. how do I quick end this? I prefer death by gunshot but I can’t find anyone to sell me a gun so I can end my life as soon as you can snap your fingers……

If anyone would like to email me and help me come up with a way to end this prayforplagues protonmail com

I am also incredibly interested in CPAP masks and gas inhalation but not as interested in charcoal (but hell, if it WORKS then it WORKS!!) Does it work?????

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