I lost yet another job today. I saw it coming, but WTF?! I didn’t deserve to be fired. Now that I have child support to pay, I will likely end up in jail or homeless. Seriously, why the fuck was I even born?
I apparently suck at anything important, I keep working for (and/or with) obnoxious assholes, and I can’t do anything right. Going to work has been mostly miserable for over 10 years now. The jobs have changed, but the misery followed. I must be the problem, but I’m honestly not doing anything except trying to do my best. It’s obviously not good enough.
I have had nothing but bad luck getting jobs I think I might actually be good at and pay a decent amount.. I forget that I’m not allowed to have a normal life with even average happiness.
Add to that the chronic unpopularity, loneliness and lack of friends, no real family support, and a constant feeling of worthlessness and failure, with regular examples that those feelings are correct. (Like today)
Is it any wonder that I want to die? My life has been 85-90% SHIT. I’ve had enough. I will never be someone who fits in this world, and this shitty life gave me a daughter who I didn’t want or ask for, but now love, making me feel even worse, because even in death I’ll unfairly be thought of as an asshole, due to leaving her. And I would have loved to see her grow up and have fun with her.. But life has pushed me to the point that even that isn’t enough to justify all of the pain, frustration, depression, insomnia, emptiness and failure I now endure on an almost daily basis.
This is why I BEG for death, so I don’t have to do it myself. But life won’t even give me the comfort of death. Life is going to kick me in the balls right up until I have to end it myself.
I will soon be purchasing what I need to end this cruel joke of a life.