I can’t take this pain anymore

  September 1st, 2018 by endlessmonster

My mood is fluctuating between emotionless and agony. One moment I feel distant from it all and the next I’m in tears. I miss her, it’s been 7 weeks and people tell me I should be over it but I just can’t. I lost the first girl I ever loved, it took me 25 years to find her, I waited forever and it was so good but then in a moment it ended. I can never talk to her again. And she’s not the first to leave me… over the last 5 years I’ve pushed away so many people. In my depressive bouts I push my problems onto others until they can’t take it anymore but I can’t stop and freak out as people become distant to me. I’m a monster. And then when they block me I try to message around it and I end up harassing the people I care about because they have cut me off… I’m such a horrible person. I don’t mean to be this way but I can’t help it and history repeated itself with her and I can’t take it anymore. I made an attempt on my life once before… I don’t know if I’m at a place where I’ll do it again but the idea of suicide has just been on my mind. I’m scared.

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