Everyone experiences sadness. why for some of us it never seems to end…why do some people get to laugh and be happy even if they havent necessarily worked for it but others work and struggle and still only manage to get by each day choking down the tears.
I guess im just not doing it the right way. i need to struggle differently. Nowadays im sobbing when i wake up. sobbing at work wiping my eyes in the breakroom without anyone noticing.
Why is it so hard just to smile. i feel like im losing my sense of humor…my sense of irony…it’s all just work and more work….why the hell is it so much harder just to simply exist.
I can get drugs but that’s just a blissfull ticket into oblivion…. i can get sex but outside a committed relationship it’s just masturbation with another person….the clock is ticking and each day more work has to be done….
i dont want to die anymore. i want to live. i dont want to sleep. i want to be awake. i want to laugh and be happy. i want purpose…i dont understand why it’s like this…
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Pain sometimes comes from wanting change. Like a need to transform. People who are happy see no issue with their current situation or are faking it.
I cry too if it helps, a lot… in the morning, at night, at 5 in the morning. It’s like a persistent pain that doesn’t seem to leave. Yeah what A true statement too, sex without connection might as well be nothing at all. And drugs just dull the pain temporarily, like stepping forward in time if you take them consistently…
Change and transformation…yes it has to happen. there’s no other option except to continue the cycles as they’ve been going on the last decade and to some extent my entire life.
I thought drugs could do that…but they only disorganized everything, led to bad decisions and allowed time to slip effortlessly through my fingers.
I thought a relationship could do that…but i understand now about the boundaries that are involved with that and also that it’s impossible to truly love someone else when you despise yourself.
As much as it hurts sometimes, i wouldnt trade my tears for what i had before…which was just emptiness and callousness. like a frostbitten arm. for years i never cried. i dont want to go back to that. i try to tell myself sobbing is halfway to happiness because at least my heart is still struggling.
when you’re empty the thought begins to pass through your mind that there truly, factually is no hope. and i dont want to ever go back to that even if i have to drive out into the countryside each day to sob like a fool.