i need a friend

every time i have a mental break down i feel that much closer to actually doing it. im going to be drinking tonight. i can end it. but will i? i want to talk to someone but i cant. one person would put me in a bubble and ive hurt the other enough as it is. i dont want to hurt him anymore but it seems to be all im good at. just one stupid thing after another. i dont even know why i want to die. i dont even know why i feel so much pain. its all balled up inside me with no escape. i cant make it stop. i just want the pain to stop. but i have no reason for the pain. i just dont get it. i want to understand. i want to hit my head off a wall. i remember i use to do that in school on brick walls. my friend would put his hand on my head. i remember being in school and if i cut id play with my sleeve. he picked up on that quickly. i remember the look of…..i cant place a word for it. he was so sad. i felt bad every single time. he never treated me poorly. not for one second. he feels he did once but he didnt. i keep telling him that. i was smoking pot and cigarettes. i would have yelled at me. i restarted. i have a new life now. i want to fuck it up so badly. (and heres the first sip) i want to fuck up my life every way possible. i could be happy. but happy just isnt who i am anymore. now given the chance im an alcoholic, druggie and what ever else fucks up my life. im not 100% sure i want to change that. i have people that care but i want them to stop caring. i want them to go away. i want to be alone. i want……i dont know anymore.