Home Chronic Pain I think about suicide everyday, even in college, thanks to Trump.
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I think about suicide everyday, even in college, thanks to Trump.

by JustSomeGuy4455

My name is Taylor. I’m 26 years old and I am an autistic atheist who questions his sexuality. I am turned on by all genders yet I have no desire whatsoever to engage in sexual intercourse. I live in the deep south, Georgia to be exact, and I hate every second of it.

 

What happened to this world? When did it get to the point where I found that this planet is nothing but a cancer cell on the universe? I used to be so happy and carefree until I became an adult, now it’s just never-ending misery. I’ve been abused since childhood by other people as well my own family. My father was the one who would dish out the most spankings to me for the most minor offense. The worst I remember was when I was really young and wanted to spend the night at a one of my older brother’s friend’s place just to be cool. I cried there when I was denied, and my father pretty much punched me on my rear end that day. He told me from that day forward, if I cried for whatever reason then I was going to be spanked. I also remember when I had a meltdown during my aunt’s visit after my brother made me cry, my father came after me again. I was so scared and broken to the point where I told my mother to protect from the demon that was my father, the one who tried to rob me of my emotion.

 

My schooling life has been living hell, too. There was no sympathy for me in elementary neither from other kids or teachers, but in middle and high school was where I received the worst of it. I was forced to go to two private schools overstate if I remember correctly that I thought tended to the needs of people like me more appropriately, but I was horribly wrong. The kids at these two schools, one of them Catholic where they quite literally put the fear of God into me, were beyond vulgar. I remember clearly being attacked by both a student in a wheelchair as well as a deaf kid for how different I was even by their standards. As an autistic, I had an overactive imagination, and I was also very hyperactive. I did not receive any justice in that place.

 

If there’s one thing I learned in high school, it’s that karma is real, or at least should be. I was witness to that phenomenon  on at least five subsequent occasions. I remember this one girl ended up getting spinal meningitis after torturing me, and another one expelled I believe for misconduct, which she projected all onto me. Another thing I learned is that the real abusers are the ones who think that they are your friend.

 

I’m in college now, and so far I ponder the point of it. I find the environment quite anti-intellectual to be honest. I’m in another unique program geared towards helping people like me with certain needs get used to that environment, but I feel I have made no significant strides until much later. I think I can blame it all on this one student whom I was forced to share the program with named Ryan. Ryan was your typical right-wing bigot. Before anyone asks, I am neither left, right, nor center, because I despise any and all politics with the most heated passion. Anyway, Ryan was a real piece of work. Not a day went by, before he found a full-time job I think, where he would rant his head off about “LGBT’s shoving their lifestyles down everyone’s throats,” “blacks and Jews are oversensitive,” “Mexicans don’t speak English,” “that’s fake news,” and so forth. I lost so much precious time in class that could have gone to educating me about how to take care of myself, but his irrelevant tirades took it all away. It got so bad that at one point he got into a heated argument with an African female who was also in the program at the time, raising his voice through the roof, and forced her to drop out. She said it was because of financial woes. I think it hit the lowest point after the three of us were invited to a sexual and gender nonconformist mini-forum, where I officially came out. I think I heard the black female come out as bisexual, too. One of my favorite comments, without sarcasm, came from a catholic individual who was invited. She basically said that it is not fair that sexual and gender nonconformists don’t get to practice their own rituals, but she does. Ryan had the gall to call the whole experience a blame game at the end of the day.

 

He also came out and said that he “digged” fascism.

 

GamerGate, the “alt-right,” and Trump all make me think about ending my life every passing minute. Orlando turned me into the paranoid mess ever. From being labeled an “SJW” for just visiting a simple website to standing up for myself and being called an authoritarian because of it, I’ve started thinking about something. I wonder what it’s like to be a sociopath. I wonder what it’s like to just not give a care in the world about everyone else’s input and just stomp all over them all for getting in the way of my path to success and or pleasure. Screw anybody who has an “opinion” about it. I want to become a cartoonist in the future, as in write comics or cartoons, and my fate is sealed right off the bat.

 

I’m “autistic SJW cringy edgy cancer.”

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7 comments

Stranglehold 9/24/2018 - 5:47 am

Suicide rates in the US go up under Republican leadership. However that could also be because Republican leaders favor guns, and more guns = more suicides.

I’m like you – I’ve lived my life as an independent, non partisan free thinker. But the cancer of hate is something I’ll take a stand against, regardless of party. Trump’s Republican party is based on hate, and guess what, that forces all of us to be political. Either you support the United States of Hate, or you want to fix it. I’m definitely not going to kill myself until President Cheeto is out of there. If you, or anyone out there, feel strongly about it then I suggest you also use this as a reason to stay alive. Outlive the hate.

OldCow 9/24/2018 - 5:57 pm

Oh please. You have got to be kidding me that you are rationalizing this as a response to some perceived political agenda. I would suggest that you simply stop reading the news, fake news, and non-news completely if it bothers you to this extent. Keep in mind that both sides engage in political character assassination, so making any assumptions that the crap you are reading is true is a bit naive. This nonsense about Republicans being all about hate is nonsense. Please go back and look at the REAL history and come to terms with the fact that Asses and Elephants have both engaged in lies, deceit, and manipulation to get into power. History shows the state of this country and the widespread HATE on both sides is not about a specific political party, it is that people on both sides are ridiculously gullible and they will believe anything that they think fits their point-of-view. Tell someone they are smart and stroke their ego and you can convince them of anything. Name ANY politician and I can guarantee you that they are a lying instance of pure evil for their own benefit. You won’t outlive or outlast the hate and BS until you stop participating in it and believe only in yourself and the absolute truths you can prove without a doubt and without relying on information from anyone but yourself. Politics is just a lie, so please just stop being a tool of the political machine… either side. It is all just a game show to the politicians. They sing and dance and scream and throw tantrums and pretend to be sensitive and they pander to specific groups all while lying through their smiling teeth and paying off their minions to get dirt on anything or anyone that is not supportive of their personal agenda and path to power and money. Get a grip and realize that politics and anything you read about any political point of view is ALL A LIE. All of it – BOTH sides. Just laugh and let them have their jello wrestling match and claim their theatrical victories over the idiots that allow themselves to believe the garbage being shoveled at them.

whitefurmouse 9/24/2018 - 7:26 pm

politician illuminati puppet

Stranglehold 9/24/2018 - 11:10 pm

That was a rude thing to say to a person in pain. Just because they’re not complaining about their stupid boyfriend every hour, doesn’t mean their thoughts are any less valid.

Mouse 11/21/2018 - 3:46 am

lmfao

JustSomeGuy4455 9/25/2018 - 2:17 pm

There’s more that I need to say.

I first want to give my thanks to Stranglehold for your understanding. That’s all I want.

I would like to secondly kindly tell OldCow and whitefurmoure to both screw off. You’re self-absorbed kind have been invalidating me for decades, now it’s my turn to do the same.

Thirdly, I need to tell the story of bad company that I used to hang out with online back in high school, and the invalidation I received from the Social Anxiety Support Forum just recently.

I am going to tell you the story of how I learned to never trust anybody ever again…

Once upon a time during I think either my freshman or sophomore year in high school ten years ago, there was a group of people I met on the internet. At first I thought these people were fun and enthusiastic about their interests, but I was blissfully unaware of their true intentions. Underneath their passion for what they loved was seething hatred. These people turned out to be…basically politically motivated gamers, people who played video games for the sole purpose of satisfying nothing but their agendas on how other gamers who were not a part of their group should play video games. The story is that there was a time where I used to be a big fan of the “Sonic the Hedgehog” franchise. I still am, as a matter of fact, but I have been forced to keep this a secret after my experiences with this group.

To make an incredibly long and complicated story short…I was emotionally manipulated by these people…

I fell under the influence of there fervor and was totally blinded to the…full on bigotry they had towards there inner circle, everyone outside of it, and even that which they were supposedly trying to save. Hate was everywhere you stepped…and determination to ruin a dream was never higher… The motto of one of these people can be summed up as “if you don’t respect what I say, then die in a fire.” This motto was directed at anyone and everyone who dared to challenge him. One day, I decided to do just that. One day, he and countless others stepped over the line, and I mean really stepped over the line. They all began to openly threaten and police anybody who did not conform to their sense of righteousness. I’d had enough at this point. I began to ask questions to one of these people, one that I had deeply trusted…and I was backstabbed then and there. I kept my composure, I did not cuss one bit, and he and his cohorts came at me like rabid dogs. And in one last spit of arrogance, he told me to apologize to everyone I had allegedly offended. I refused, and was thus kicked out of the group.

Now on to the Social Anxiety Support Forum. To make this long story short, I posted my philosophy on violence and basically said that you have to be willing to get dirty to protect yourself from people who view you as a threat or a lesser because of who you were born as. Everyone called me an edgy fifteen-year-old. Under stress, I shot back and admittedly told everyone who was attacking me that they were being socially inept pond scum…and I was labeled a bully.

Black Holez 11/20/2018 - 7:39 pm

This has got to be a troll.

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