I Think I Might Be Done

  September 15th, 2018 by LiquidHuman

Lately, I’ve been feeling emotionally exhausted and stressed for weeks on end. I feel like I’m constantly treading water. Like I’m in an ocean, being pulled under by the waves. Gasping for air every time I can lift my head out of the water. Once in a while, I’ll choke on the sea as it fills my esophagus with salt water. The pain nearly unbearable.
The worst part isn’t the choking feeling in my lungs, or how sore and broken my limbs are from fighting to keep from drowning. The worst part is the parasitic thought that cements itself in my head. That maybe I’d be better off allowing myself to be pulled under.
So, I wrote myself a list. On one side were the reasons why I should give up on it all, and on the other were the reasons I should keep going. To be honest, I kinda expected to have that “movie moment”, where the reasons to keep going outnumber the reasons to give up, and I realize that yes, life is worth living. But no. It didn’t even come close. I actually laughed a bit. This is the real world. The harsh, merciless reality we live in.
So, I’ll give myself maybe a few more years, to maybe get my affairs in order and build up the courage. Then I’m gone.

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