I want to be happy

Hi. I’m a guy, 18 years old, a former happy and smiling person, i don’t smoke, i don’t drink alcohol, no drugs. I think i’m seriously a weird person, i don’t have facebook, just whatsapp (althoug nobody talks me online), and i have a big problem with seeing to me in photos. As a former fat dude… just the idea of looking myself causes dread to me despite knowing rationally that i’m not ugly (and having some admirer girls by there), some female friends says i’m kind of attractive, but to me it’s hard to idealize that.

Here is the deal: I’m not happy anymore, i try, i swear i try… but i can’t. I think i know the triggers of my unhappiness… but i’m not sure… anyway, this is my short story of what was going on with my life on the last 3 years:

When i was 15… i remember those days; going to school knowing that it was going to be a good day, with friends, family, videogames, jokes. I used to think that it was going to be like that forever but… things just changed. I just pased to a superior level of school with 15 years old (that’s how it works in my country), here you choose the school, and those were trutly dark times. I didn’t knew no one of them… i was alone on that new school, got in a fight with a bully, alone on the classes, i used to spend my breaks on the bathroom cause i had no friends, everybody used to pretend i was not there. All i wanted is to back home, and once there i used to break into tears because i didn’t know what to do, i didn’t sleeped at night because i was afraid of drawning, this new level now it was divided on semesters, well… i suspended that one, but that means you can’t study until the second semester finished. So i was in home for 8 months (from january to august). Those 8 months were actually good times, because i wasn’t anymore on that school and i passed time with family and persons i liked.

Now, i entered on a new school, this first semester was good while it lasted. I did new friends, and beetween those friends, i knewed the girl i considered my soul mate (Let’s call her ‘A’)… and she play two diferent roles since i meet her: Making me feel happy (at the beggining on the first semester) and making me feel like shit (from the second semester to now). I will not give too much details of what she did… but she failed me.

And since she that, ‘A’ started to avoid me like if i have done something to her, but she knows that she is the one who failed me. That is what ACTUALLY hurted me more… if she just sayed ‘sorry’ everything would be fine, but she decided to play as painful as she could. After that i tried to talk with her about this, but she used to justify herself saying things like i was ‘dramatic’, despite that, i forgive her for what she did, but she didn’t stopped avoiding me… and that is what actually makes me feel like shit, the girl i used to hug (and used to hug me too), the girl i used to make laugh (and used to make me laugh too), the girl i used to talk with… now doesn’t want to talk with me, that just hurts a lot.

It’s been a years since she started avoiding me… things changed even more, and just became worse, I losed weight (and since that everybody just started to took me more seriously), i feel as if i had lost the ability to feel something, something it’s not good with me, and things happened, 2 new problems; 1.- I got familly issues  2.- I discovered i’m no one for ‘A’ and she is embarassed of me. How i discovered that last one? Well, i forgot everything she did to me, and i talked to her (specially because she was the only friend i talked serious things, and because this problem exceeded my problem with her), i tried to talk with her while leaving school, but i go on bus and she walks, so i sayed to her ‘Can i talk with you tomorrow, i need to talk with you something some serious issue’ and she said ‘Yeah’ and we agreed where and when (at break hour) and she just accepted, but the next day she wasn’t there, so i decide to look for her, i found her on another place… and when she just noticed me… she walked away fastly, obviously avoiding me, i remember the feeling that arived in that moment, i never felt so sad, rejected and dumb at the same time, that day i didn’t sleep just thinking in that. Lesson learned: I swear i will never open my heart again, it doesn’t matter how much i love that person or how that person says he/she cares for me.

I don’t want to say specifically what is going with my family, but… it just hurts, still hurting… and i feel alone. I still go to the same school, i try to look ok, i try to smile, and i try to get good notes, but that’s all. Happiness just dessapeared, i can’t enjoy anything. I don’t know how to end this text, i’m here alone in the dark writing this at midnight, tomorrow is school day. I miss those old happy days, it so sad the fact that the’re just memories that will never exist again. I’m not mad, just sad, despite all what she did i decide to forgive her, i didn’t talked to her, but i forgived her on my heart, it has no sense to me to hold a grudge against her, i forgive my family for what they did to me, i don’t blame to no one for my unhappiness, i focus more on resolving this, but the problem is that I CAN’T. I swear i try. There is nothing i can do, my dreams… are over. I wanted to study physics, but here where i live there is not a single college who imparts physic, things like that keep me down. Too much is this… tedious pain i feel, sorry to all the people who actually cared for me, but… i give up. Sorry.