I wish I was stupid

I don’t believe I’m “good” person, if there’s such thing as being good. I believe I am the furtherest thing from it, despite what others tell me.

I’ve tried to be the “good” person I dreamed of and what people wanted me to be, yet I fall back on my annoying habits. I’m lazy, manipulative, unhealthy, very paniky under stress, and my most disliked, fortgetfull.

Being forgetful has been a blessing and a curse, the blessing is when I have a bad day I can go to sleep and wake up refreshed, forgetting what happened yesterday. The curse is I start to forget the simplest things when to do my laundry, what time I have to be at work, if I didn’t keep memos I’d most likely forget my own head if it weren’t stuck to my body.

I realized I’m going on more with a rant about self criticizing myself harshly, I’m sorry.

The main reason I’m writing this is because even with my flaws and shortcomings I find my level of ‘intelligence’ rather destructive. I don’t mean to sound like I’m bragging “ohh look I’m so smart but I don’t like it”.

I’m forgetful, but that doesn’t mean It doesn’t reappear in my head later. And when it does all of my ‘failures’ crash into me, hard. When my flaws cause me to fail, I almost freeze up or shut down, constantly bringing up memories of how I let this person down and done it again with this new failure.

When I return to normal my mind stays on this failure and I’m reminded of past failure, like today at my place of work I had messed up on multiple food orders, in a row. It ended up me being sent home early and giving tomorrow off, I honestly question wether they will fire me. So my day is ruined until I go to sleep.

Other than that my mind turns to a very dark place, wether it is looking back on my choices and my habits, which end up me hating myself, and I don’t use the word hate lightly.  I know I’m a terrible person, I know I can changed, but I don’t, why? I know why because if I try I’d forget what I was sad about and feel that I don’t need to change because of one bad day.

Now however ive come to realize what’s the point in trying to better myself. I now think about how there’s always someone better than you and it discourages me.

Now that I think of it I don’t believe I’ve really had something I am good at, nothing to really say I’m proud of.

A part of me thinks is good to not have something you’re good at, if you aren’t good at something no one can be better than you, yet another scolds me for being so worthless.

I think, two words I say alot. And here I THINK that makes me somewhat special. Always thinking, about the future, the past, the present, and about myself.

My thinking that always gives me a headache when I feel less than a person. The brain and thought process that keeps me in the same loop that I repeated since childhood, the same things that remind me and come up with new ways to make me feel worthless. My head hurts just thinking about it.

I sometimes wish I was more stupid than I am now, you know. Just up to the point we’re I can just forget every failure and go on happily in bliss and be unconstrained by my thoughts. Who knows, maybe I would be more of a “good” person.

Thank you, for reading the words of a person. That’s all I can really say.