Something wrong with me anyway. I always knew that; everything that has ever happened to me is only karma for my existence really. I’ve deserved ever ‘injustice’. I’m impure and filthy and disgusting and deserve to feel ashamed. But anyway, that’s old news. New news. My ex boyfriend told me last night after I told him I had plans to kill myself (I only told him because I was trying to go back on it, decided against it). He told me I tell him every month. I can’t remember ever saying any shit. But apparently 2 nights ago we were all out drinking I told everyone I wanted to kill myself. I don’t remember that either. I’m just so used to not remembering fucking anything anyway, that’s such old news. But new news, he told me I must be incredibly unwell. Sick. Mentally ill. He feels like I make him responsible for me, by telling him anything. But he’s the only person who knows everything that happened to me. I’ll leave him alone, anyway. I had a panic attack last night it lasted 2 and a half hours. I reacted to absolutely nothing happening, the same reaction I had when bad things happened to me in my childhood. Absolutely nothing was fucking happening. How pathetic. Anyway, that solidified my need to die. What more can I do. When I turned 18, I was chucked out of child services. Couldn’t get anything more as I was moving cities. Going to uni in 1 week. Should I wait until then? Should I try to fix myself? Cos it seems no one will ever take me seriously because I have a bad habit of ‘appearing normal’ in public. It’s like, I walk through those doors and every emotion leaves me. Whatever, you guys. I’m sick. Need attention cos I’m disgusting. Say anything you want in the comments be mean to me if you want, there’s plenty of pathetic shit here and I’m super willing to accept that.
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4 comments
You may not care what I think but I’m going to post it anyway.
I think you should get some help for yourself because:
Whatever went on in your childhood is not your fault. If you needed help then, you still do. Problems don’t magically go away when you turn 18. Alcohol doesn’t make them go away either.
You got into a university. So you must have some academic qualifications. Your brain still works. Probably too much. Try getting some help at school if you don’t have other access.
Don’t let your past destroy your future. You are not as bad as you tell yourself you are.
Best of luck to you. I have hope for you!
You don’t necessarily need a fully working brain to get into university. That doesn’t mean anything, you can be stupid and manage to graduate anyway.
Correction: I’m not trying to imply that OP is stupid ; I’m only being very skeptical about this argument.
@678543212 : maybe uni could be a new start of sorts ?
This summer, I came across something called “metacognitive therapy”. I am reading about it and started group therapy of this kind.
Its basic claim is that we make ourselves ill by overthinking. That is a huge oversimplification, but it essentially says the opposite of what therapists have been saying for a very long time: that we need to work through our shit, that talking is good, etc. Metacognitive therapy claims that the brain will generally self-regulate after something upsetting happens to us, and that we should let it.
However, occasionally, something called the Cognitive Attentional Syndrome can develop, because some people hold faulty metacognitive beliefs, i.e. thoughts about thinking.
They can be positive, e.g. “Worrying will protect me from disappointment”, or negative. Negative metacognitive beliefs concern either danger (“These worries will drive me crazy” or uncontrollability “I can’t control my worrying”).
The therapy aims to disabuse people of their faulty metacognitive belief to show them that e.g. worrying is often pointless, that worry cannot drive someone crazy, and that you can indeed learn to control what you pay attention to.
I dunno if I am completely sold on it, but I think there is probably some truth to the idea that lots of the struggles people on a site like this have are mostly in their heads and a product of what you might call bad “thinking habits”.
Anyway, metacognitive therapy is allegedly extremely successful, so I urge you to at least check it out.