I’m defective

  September 16th, 2018 by 678543212

Something wrong with me anyway. I always knew that; everything that has ever happened to me is only karma for my existence really. I’ve deserved ever ‘injustice’. I’m impure and filthy and disgusting and deserve to feel ashamed. But anyway, that’s old news. New news. My ex boyfriend told me last night after I told him I had plans to kill myself (I only told him because I was trying to go back on it, decided against it). He told me I tell him every month. I can’t remember ever saying any shit. But apparently 2 nights ago we were all out drinking I told everyone I wanted to kill myself. I don’t remember that either. I’m just so used to not remembering fucking anything anyway, that’s such old news. But new news, he told me I must be incredibly unwell. Sick. Mentally ill. He feels like I make him responsible for me, by telling him anything. But he’s the only person who knows everything that happened to me. I’ll leave him alone, anyway. I had a panic attack last night it lasted 2 and a half hours. I reacted to absolutely nothing happening, the same reaction I had when bad things happened to me in my childhood. Absolutely nothing was fucking happening. How pathetic. Anyway, that solidified my need to die. What more can I do. When I turned 18, I was chucked out of child services. Couldn’t get anything more as I was moving cities. Going to uni in 1 week. Should I wait until then? Should I try to fix myself? Cos it seems no one will ever take me seriously because I have a bad habit of ‘appearing normal’ in public. It’s like, I walk through those doors and every emotion leaves me. Whatever, you guys. I’m sick. Need attention cos I’m disgusting. Say anything you want in the comments be mean to me if you want, there’s plenty of pathetic shit here and I’m super willing to accept that.

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