I’m feeling so consumed by longing, regret, & despair. My mind keeps getting drawn back into the past, searching for the last time I felt close to someone. It’s a long way back, and even then it was more a long series of missed opportunities.
A girl who I haven’t even seen in 13 years, and who wouldn’t give me the time of day for a year or so before that. But for around four years, on and off, I really got the sense that she cared. She pursued me time and again, practically throwing herself at me on several occasions. Did everything she could to make it obvious to me, to be close to me, to give me the opportunity to make it real. And it’s not that I didn’t like her. But I was always too caught up in obsessing over another girl, or too confused and embarrassed around my friends to show her that I cared. I was too paralyzed by social anxiety to show proper affection. When she would show interest in other guys then suddenly I’d realize how much I liked her, but as soon as she renewed her interest in me and we started spending more time together then I’d start to see her as more of a friend. It’s like my mind wasn’t capable of being attracted to someone who I actually liked as a person, and who liked me back. Rejection was the thing that most peaked my interest. If a girl didn’t see me as completely inferior, then what was the point? Even then I was f*cked up.
But she was the last person to hold my hand, to hug me, to kiss me with real affection. She was the last person to show me any kind of intimacy. To give me the sense that she really wanted to be with me. That she saw me, hugely flawed as I was, as someone worthy of wanting. Someone worthy of pursuing. That I really meant something to someone.
And part of my mind is still trapped there, even though I haven’t seen her all this time. I guess I thought that she’d always be there, waiting, when I got my act together. But eventually, she got frustrated by my repeated failure to show that I cared. I think maybe she felt humiliated, that she had put herself out there so often over the years to try and get me to step up. Maybe in the end she understood that I was just too messed up. I think she probably felt sad for me, as I became increasingly isolated and consumed by anxiety. She moved on, and got a real life. I’m sure she’s married with kids by now. I doubt her memories of me mean anything much to her. But my memories of her are lodged in my mind, even as I forget her face. How pathetic is that? It’s not even about her, not really. It’s just that she was the only person I really felt that from.
That memory of what it was like to feel significant to someone. To feel close to someone. To feel that someone cared. Because I long for that feeling so much right now. I feel so insanely alone, and isolated, and lost. I’ve cut myself off from the rest of humanity, in ways I don’t think I can go back on. I’m no longer capable of real intimacy, of letting anyone in, letting anyone know me. I’m no longer worthy of affection, and I don’t think there’s anything I can do to change that. I’ve gone so far from the regular path that there’s no way back.
I can go through the motions, pretend. But anyone I lead into caring about me is being terribly deceived. Anyone I care for I am betraying, simply by allowing them to be involved with me. My life is a lie, and any intimacy I find is based upon false pretenses. Now no one can ever care for me, because I can’t let anyone see the truth. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to feel really close to another person again.
I don’t know how to live with that longing, with the loneliness. I try to numb it, distract from it, but always my mind finds it’s way back there, even in my dreams. Love seems to be a human essential, and I’ve made it impossible for myself to love anyone, or for anyone to love me. I’m so consumed by regret. I want to go back and shout at myself for letting the possibility slip away. I desperately want that opportunity back, but it’s too late now.
15 comments
For what it’s worth in going to leave a reply here to let you know that I read what you said and I hope you find your peace somehow. I know it’s difficult for you to bond with another and I can’t really help you but in the end all we can do is try. You can try and have a pet if you want I guess and as always continue persevering
Thanks.
Realize that self-loathing and self-pity are indulgences we use to avoid responsibility; and diving head first into those feelings which pull hardest in our chests and throats, crying those tears and using the clarity brought by them to instigate change is sometimes the only way to loosen your grip on the past and grow as an individual.
But that’s just my 2 bits of nonsense.
That’s good insight. Sure, when I do indulge in self-loathing I focus not on recovering from my traumas but on the results of those traumas. It is about the same when I indulge in self-pity. To be sure, I still indulge frequently but at least in therapy, with some guidance, I can do processes that instigate change. That is where I am at this stage of the game.
I don’t know how to use that clarity to instigate change. No matter how deep I dive into those feelings or how many tears I cry, I can’t see a way forward. I just know that I don’t know how to live with those feelings. In some ways it feels like the only solution is death, or complete self-destruction. But I can’t see a version of me that is ok in the world, to work towards.
Yet again another of your posts describes my situation uncannily to a tee. As for the girl I had an identical situation it seemed the more I didn’t want her the more she wanted me. That chance is now long gone in the misty past but I now realize we were meant to be together but I blew it. I have now no choice but to as the first comment said bond with another girl though it’s hard cause of social anxiety. Maybe you could try the same.
Unfortunately in my case there’s now more than social anxiety in the way of bonding with someone else. The way I’ve lived in the past 13 years has left me with so much I could never let another person see about me. So I feel like even in a relationship I would still be just as lonely, hiding my true self. I wish you the best of luck in your attempts though.
It’s crazy how much I can relate to this post. So thanks for sharing.
It sounds to me like you weren’t really into that girl back in the day, but liked her as a person, and miss what you had with her. Most of my (brief) relationships have been like that. But once, I had a one-night-stand with someone I didn’t have to make an effort to like. I was just into her. And she seemed into me. It was amazing. What ended up getting in the way was my fear of inviting her back to my tiny, messy appartment for a second date. So she moved on. But that feeling of looking at a woman and just wanting to hold her close because you like her so much, and she is okay with that and likes you back – that was amazing. That is what you want, bro.
It sounds to me like you’re suffering from perfectionism. In your head, you already have all the ways things can go wrong worked out. You’re rejecting yourself before women have the chance, because you are terrified of rejection.
It only recently dawned on me that the best way to improve at a skill is to practise that skill – not all sorts of tangential skills.
So instead of obsessing about not being worthy of the women you feel attracted to, maybe what you could do is simply hit on them regardless. Doubtlessly, you will experience rejection, but if you never try, you’ll never know. More importantly, if you never try, you may be spending years of your life trying to correct some perceived flaw that women might consider inconsequential, or not even notice. The best way of getting good with women would seem to be to seek out their feedback NOW. How else to learn how to get better? How else to focus your efforts on what will pay dividends, rather than on your own idiosyncratic neuroses?
It’s the same approach software developers take when they release an unfinished product, get user feedback, and incorporate it into the next version. Iteration.
I am absolutely terrified of rejection, and I do have elements of perfectionism. And you’re right that feedback would probably be the best way to gain confidence/improve.
What holds me back though is that even if I find some way to push through the rejection and manage to improve myself in ways that make a difference, and somehow meet someone who seems into me, the me that they’ll be into will be a lie. There’s all sorts of superficial things I can improve about myself, from my appearance to my social skills to my income. But there’s some psychological stuff that I don’t think is ever going away. And I can’t change the past.
I can’t imagine any woman I was into wanting to be with me if she knew the truth about the majorly f*cked up stuff that goes through my mind on a daily basis, or the things I’ve done in my life. Only someone desperate to the point of delusion could accept that stuff, in which case I probably wouldn’t want to be with them anyway.
So what’s holding me back is the thought of finding someone I’m really into, who I want to be with, and then having to lie to her about who I am, my past, and what I’m really thinking for the rest of the relationship. Trying to prevent her from working it out so that she doesn’t feel completely devastated and betrayed. I’m not sure I could deal with the guilt and anxiety of maintaining that kind of deceit. Beyond the physical closeness and attraction (which I do want), I guess I want someone I don’t have to hide from. Who I can be myself with, f*cked up as I am. And that doesn’t feel possible for me anymore. My insecurities lead to places too dark to be acceptable.
Maybe nobody really has that, and everyone is really just deceiving their partner. I don’t know. I just feel like back then I was (just about) still capable of being loved, despite all my flaws. And now I’m not, and I don’t know how to live with that. There’s a bunch of superficial stuff I can change, but the really deep stuff isn’t going anywhere.
Hi 🙂
I read what you wrote.
My advice is: let it hurt, let the pain consume you, give suffering and regret all time they need inside you.
One day it will end or become bearable.
For many years I suffered more or less in the same way you do. Then I was told some scars never heal and I gave up and let it ache. To my surprise, 2 years later I felt better and 3 years later I started loving someone who also loves me and could accept me exactly as I am and my isolation is getting smaller and my joy is getting bigger with this love. My parter is also full os shyness and social anxiety, depression, problems and bla bla bla and I simply dont mind because besides that it’s a lovely wonderful person who I want to be with.
And believe me I’m similar to you in many aspects so it doesnt mean you cant be loved. Just take your time!!
And I suggest you give a shit to the aspect you isolate and hide from others. We all do that but there’s always a person who will be able to see that in you and get closer then…love happens.
Let it ache and cure will arrive sooner or later.
I meditate to feel better…have some minutes of peace inside my mind everyday has helped me. I suggest you try.
I’m happy for you. I do meditate sometimes, though I wouldn’t say it makes me feel better exactly – a little clearer headed perhaps.
Man, I don’t think you know how relatable this all is, brother. I think you just said what was on a lot of people’s minds here.
Well, leaving out the details does tend to make things more relatable. But chronic inability to find love does seem to be a major contributor to suicidal thoughts.
I wish I could write something comforting for you but my mind is all murky and muddled these days. Like you, I’m also struggling with demons from my past. I wish you peace of mind.
Thank you.