- The last time I was on this site was Dec 12th 2017, almost exactly 9 months ago. I wrote an article of how much i wanted to die. Nothing much has changed since then. The feeling is the same.
I now have a job but i only go because i have bills to pay and each day is a struggle for me to leave my bed in the morning. I have used up all my sick days at work and all my vacation days yet I still find excuses to miss work whenever I can just because it brings me no purpose and it doesn’t change the fact that i still don’t want to be on this earth. I get very scared when am around people at work especially my co-worker with whom we have been having heated disagreements. Also the HR staff who always seems like she is waiting to catch me in a crime so that she can just fire me. One time I was day dreaming at my desk looking at an email and trying to figure it out and she was standing behind me watching me. Then called me to one of the rooms and gave me a warning for sleeping on the job. I told her I was not sleeping but she wouldn’t understand. I feel like my coworkers are judging me for skipping work often and my manag I feel bad for him because he seems like a nice person and i feel like am dissapointing him. But truly i wish i could do better but i just don’t have the strength to.
I have even less friends than I had before. Some point blank betrayed me and others simply do not understand me. They view me as an emotional burden even if they don’t say it literally. They called me names like “Drama Queen” or said things like am always sensitive. As though i made myself that way, as though i chose to feel pain . I had the courtesy to write to each and everyone of them explaining how much they hurt me but as expected, they didn’t react to it because that is me again being crazy and dramatic. Well I decided to let them go because what good are they to me if all they do is make me feel less of myself than I already do? It really hurts but I guess it’s better to feel it once no matter the intensity, rather than being reminded on a daily basis that you are not good enough.
I have also reached out to those I hurt and asked them for forgiveness because now I deeply know how it feels to be betrayed and taken for granted. The good thing is they forgave me, the bad thing is they don’t trust me anymore and we can never be friends again.
So this is where I am now. I feel like I am at peace with myself and with the universe. The one friend which i have left is my world and is worth more than thousands of fake ones. I have a job which can pay my bills . I have the basic for survival. However, I still feel very lonely and my will to live is pretty much non existent. My only friend lives in the US and has a girlfriend so we can’t talk on the phone as much as we used to before. I live in Canada, I am single and my family is far back in Africa. I live a very quiet and lonely life. Each day is a struggle and most often than not, I just want to sleep and not wakeup. Everyday I pray something would happen to me so I can die painlessly because the truth is I am scared to do it myself. I sincerely wish i could just raise the white flag and say “Am done” so that someone would pull me out of the rig where those battles never end.
I have pushed away all potential partners because of my depression. They either just don’t understand it or do not have the patience to deal with it. I do not go for therapy because i honestly do not have the time. I work 8am to 5pm every weekday and on weekends i just want to lay in bed doing nothing.
I can confidently say that I finally understand life; how it works, why people act the way they do, why we need to do things in a certain way but truth is, I am simply not interested in being here. I do not have the will to live and I want out of here.
the Canadian Mental Health Association have been helpful though. I call them wgen am in crisis and am starting therapy / counseling tomorrow. I pray this really helps because i have changed depression medication already and i still see no changes