Never in my life have I’ve fallen in love with someone. And for some goddamn reason it finally happened. Two months from when I’m leaving for a better life. I finally achieved falling in love, I haven’t even told the person, and I’m leaving in 2 months for something that’ll make my life so much completely better than it is now. And I have to give up that love. I can’t do the long distance. I can’t let them hold onto me like that. No one deserves that from me. I’m trash, I don’t deserve to be in love. But I can’t give it up. But I have to I have no other choice. And I’m already in pain from it. I hope he’ll still be my friend when I leave.
It’d honestly be so much easier to just have someone hit me with their car right now. For something in this world to give me an excuse to die. I know I finally am getting myself out of this rabbit hole I keep falling into, but still I’d rather die than deal with this. I’d rather that dark cloud come over my head and leave me numb than deal with this. After 21 years and finally someone actually makes me feel seen and like a real person with feelings and will hold me when’s I cry. And I have to give it up. The world just likes to hurt me.