This world is such an ugly place overwhelmingly ugly. I ended up accepting a job I didn’t intend to accept and it pays next to nothing. The boss is some slimey sneaky guy and we discussed an hourly rate and yet he made me salary. And asks me to work overtime for some bullshit day rate that he still doesn’t pay me. I hate the job and realized that I want my previous profession so much more now. I have mixed emotions about sex, I very much enjoy it but at the same time it’s so disgusting and I want the desire to go away. I suppose I’ve gained so much weight and just am unaware of it. My self esteem is deteriorating lately, I went on a date with a guy I met online and he left me at the movies alone, another guy did some furniture repair and I had no interest in him other than his services and he blocked me. But eating unhealthy has always been my go to and I don’t care to change that. I just feel like it sucks but I’m ok with myself, but maybe I shouldn’t be? I feel disappointed and I just cry because this isn’t where I want to be in life or how I want things to be. I understand that I have complete power to change this and yet I choose to sit and wallow. I DON”T GET WHY, like my inner thoughts can’t seem to make my body do what it should. I’m on the side of life I escaped from and I don’t want to be here much longer because I know I will start to sink like quick sand.