Why not end myself? Fear, of making the wrong choice? Of letting go of delusional dreams of life. Of getting it wrong, and ending up brain-damaged. Of being trapped in some kind of existence beyond death, full of regret. Of changing my mind at the last second, when it’s too late to stop. Of giving up the possibilities of this world. Of facing judgement and punishment for how I’ve lived.
So I linger on. But I don’t know how to live with myself. My mind is an endless source of dissatisfaction, ever demanding the impossible.
Right now all I want is peace & love, but neither seem to be possible for me. So I try to distract myself from my reality, but endlessly fail.
This isn’t hell. I can imagine things being worse. But surely this isn’t a life worth living. I can’t help feeling that I’m being irrational by going on, but I’m also not able to emotionally let go enough to end it.