Telling my story of Suicide. I am safe now

  September 11th, 2018 by zanderson

The first time I ever thought of suicide was in the 7th grade. I just hated life and I think it was the hormonal changes that was going on at the time. Then I attempted it for the first time. It was a brisk evening on October 13 that as I went down stairs to go to bed, I took a plastic grocery bag. I tried suffocating myself with the bag but was unsuccessful as there was a tiny hole that was still allowing air in. I was so angry at the time but when I thought about it, I told myself that God said it wasn’t my time to go yet. I tell my parents and tell them I need to get help. My mom called the school and got me in to see the counselor immediately. I never cried so hard in my life. It became a daily thing with me sitting in her office because I couldn’t handle people even looking at me.

The next attempt was in the spring. I started cutting myself but as it turns out I was cutting myself the wrong direction so I could not of done anything to myself.. I still hated everything in life and wished that I would fall asleep and never wake up. I left this time to get help. It worked for awhile until all these feelings started coming back. I dealt with it forever it felt like and I wanted to just kill myself daily. It went on for just over a year until something that I call a miracle happened.

It wasn’t until the end of 8th that this miracle happened and it was at a Track Meet. I met someone who changed my life. Just the way he talked to me made me feel so complete. We started dating a couple weeks later and my life was perfect then. It was hard at first because he lived 5 hours away but he made me happy. There wasn’t a bad thought in my brain for the next two years. We did everything we could do together and It was nice to have a boyfriend who was also your best friend. I hadn’t had a friend in a long time.

It was the middle of sophomore year when he calls me crying to tell me that he slept with someone else.. I was devastated and just felt like I wasn’t ever good enough. I cried and cried, but I told him I wasn’t breaking up with him because it wasn’t acceptable. We stopped talking for a week just so I could figure out what to do with myself. I then tried to end my life again but this time it was with a gun. I had the gun loaded and ready to go. I put the end of the gun to the side of my head and I started shaking and crying so bad that I dropped the gun and called him bawling and told him I needed him right now. He said “why” I just said that I needed him and he better come. I never told him that I tried shooting myself but he drives up to see me and we talk and I said that it wasn’t right for him to sleep with someone else but I told him that it was okay as long as he didn’t do it again. He said I really didn’t want to babe but he forced me to. He was crying when he told me this. I asked who it was and I messaged the person and asked what had happened and Hunter was telling the truth. The guy told me that he was refusing to because he had a “boyfriend” but the guy thought he was lying. I told the guy well I am his boyfriend and he is sitting next to me crying. I told the guy we will be filing a sexual assault charge. The guy hung up and blocked the number. But we had everything we needed to do so. We got that taken care of.

Then a few months later I was taken advantage of and was the victim of sexual assault as well and it made me feel awful. I couldn’t live with myself and it took a lot out of me. I didn’t even respect myself anymore. I just didn’t want that to happen so I started seeing a therapist yet again and the thoughts of suicide haunted me. We dealt with my problem and moved on the best we could.

It was two months into my senior year and we decided it was time that we should take a break and focus on ourselves for once. We still talked daily and still loved each other. It was almost like we were still dating but didn’t have the title as boyfriends.

It was just a normal day after school when I got this message from Bryant (a guy that I had a crush on for awhile) and I don’t know what it was about it but it made me super happy. There wasn’t anything else in that moment that would of made me happier. We talked pretty much ever since that day. It’s been nearly 3 years and there isn’t anything that I haven’t told him. If I’ve been depressed he knew, if I had the suicidal thoughts he stepped up asked what was wrong and helped me through it.

He ended up telling me that he was “bisexual” but I knew that wasn’t the truth. I told him I didn’t believe him and told him he was Gay. We talked everyday and got super close and then something happened…he started dating this girl. I think it was because he thought he had to prove me wrong. I was upset as anyone should be when you like someone that much and they abandon you He completely shut me out for about two months and then he started messaging me again and I tried not to let my feelings for him get in the way again. That relationship went on for about 9 months. He ended it as I left for college and told me that he wanted a future with me in it and wished I didn’t leave for School. I came home almost every weekend for him. I really wanted this. I end up coming home at the end of the semester and became ill and ended up in the hospital for 11 days. He was scared..

It was about a month after that I find out he was dating a girl again… I was then confused yet again on why he was leading me on to abandon me. We quit talking for awhile and then he starts coming around again and we started visiting each other at work. I felt terrible because he was making advances on me. I finally had enough and told his girlfriend about it and he finally did something he needed to do.

Last year in November he saved me. It was his birthday mind you but I texted him and told him I was ending my life. I overdosed on Tylenol. If it wasn’t for him taking It so seriously and calling my brother I would have taken my life. It wasn’t until that moment that I realized he really did care. I realized as I was slowly losing all feeling and becoming dazed and confused that I was slowly dying and I knew I wasn’t going to come out of it. Responders showed and somehow saved me. The next morning I couldn’t even describe how sorry I was to do that to someone who cares.

I decided then that I was going to go back to rehab and get the medications that I should of never stopped taking in the first place. I was to stubborn and thought I was to good for pills. It was the help that I needed. It was him that made me so determined to get help and be “better”. I loved him and I couldn’t hurt him anymore…

Fast forward to now I have completely changed. I have a positive attitude towards life which I hadn’t had in years… I have moved to a new place. Have a job that I love. I think I still have the support from him.

Being depressed is nothing to be ashamed of. There are several million people that have it.

Reach out! There are people that will help, you just have to ask. I think that in itself is the hardest part. I know that is what I struggled with the most.

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