I don’t want to live any more!! I am so over this fucking life. Sure, maybe 10% of it is ok, but the rest is a giant, awful, festering pile of SHIT.
I have mostly terrible luck.. So why can’t something happen that kills me, like it does to so many other people who don’t want to die? It’s so obnoxious… I would give anything to die (or be dying) of something natural. Or something outside of my control.. But nope.. I just keep on ticking against my will!
I love my daughter, but because life won’t help me out at all with this, she (and my family and everyone else I know) will have to deal with my suicide. It’s just a matter of time now. Me killing myself is not how I want to go out, but it’s the only way out.
Life truly is cruel and unfair. I wish I had never been born.
7 comments
Hi man. Phew. What an unload. I can tell you I am not alien to this type of thinking. Chronic pain, Anxiety, Depression, Body dysmorphic disorder that makes you want to cry and rage at existence because you feel so distant, is a common recipe for the black dog. I think it can help to get things into perspective. What exactly are you fearing the most? After reading thousands of these notes on here, I regained perspective. I also understand being from the “older” group of people on here, like myself, does not foster the supportive environment from other people our age which is sometimes frustrating. So as someone who is basically 30, I can tell you. What you are experiencing my friend, is a transitional identity crisis, or an existential crisis( And this has nothing to do with your age, you are still young). Yeah, it is a *****. And you know what? There is no rationale behind it. Now you keep saying you are a loser with little income who wish to die? But why? You have a daughter who loves you to bits. You say you have been fired? Same here. You say you have never being promoted. I also struggle with the toils and trouble of mental illnesses and on top of all the blame and guilt, I still live with my parents at the age of 29( on top of battling pain, isolation, misanthropy), so I know what it feels like to be left all on the shelf for the world to see. I have no friends but I do not wan t to either, because the more I go out the more I realise how people are in it for themselves anyway. Even dating? It is also just a courtesy call with a sales intention behind it after a while, and she wants more( or he for that matter). We realise more and more, we really are all alone in this world. Some of us have the right hand with a good old joker or 2 in the pack, and cards scattered all over and we cannot really make head or toe out of it. But it does matter to sit down with yourself, make a big bottomless pot of coffee and ask yourself “how would I fix this”?
You have a community of people like myself who would do everything for you.
Talk to us, what exactly brought you to this point?
-Duncan
It’s been like this, in some form or another, since I was 12 years old. Bad luck, bad timing and bad decisions. Chronic unpopularity. Constant trouble getting and succeeding at jobs. Low-income jobs all I’ve been able to get. Been fired twice (Soon to be three times)
I may have a daughter who loves me (As I love her) but I only get to see her once a week for 8 hours. Like everything else, the custody and visitation hearing went completely against me. I got hammered on child support too.
I’m lonely, depressed, angry and/or irritated the vast majority of the time I’m not with my daughter. I simply cannot live like this. Virtually everything I do ends up in failure or conflict or sadness somehow.
I’ve always been a loser and I’m just sick of it.
It’s hard work to get the job done..
No kidding. It’s even harder when life is determined to make things as difficult and obnoxious as possible at virtually every step of the way.
Hi, lifelong loser. I am currently sitting here in my room, applying yet for another job. I also got sacked by the way. It is no fun being a loser though. I totally get it – especially when you are an intelligent guy, which I can see you are, and have these pesky inabilities. Knowing that you are not enough leave you in constant misanthropy. At least for me, I do not want to even exit the house because I am so afraid of yet again, meeting people who are more successful than me. So it seems you and you are wife is divorced? Why exactly did you lose your job?
Hi, causeofdeath. I wish we can swap names though :). I have seen a number of your posts before but for some reason whoever created this blog, made the username such that it is not linking to the posts you made. I can see through your posts you are intelligent. Wish to see more from you! I am Duncan.
I was never married. My daughter was a total accident that I didn’t want, from a night of drunk sex with a woman who I now hate. But she decided to keep the baby and over time (despite the limited visits) I grew to love my daughter.
And failure at getting and succeeding at jobs is just another slice in the “Reasons I want to die” pie. There are many slices.