Growing up, whenever someone wanted to be hurtful with their words, the solution was to shut their mouth with your fists — this included siblings. I would much rather get punched in the face than have someone tell me I’m worthless, or a b!t(c)h, or a pu$sy, or make fun of something I’m insecure about. It was the only way I knew how to keep the hurt from coming at me.
My wife grew up in a home where being hurtful verbally/emotionally was the norm. That’s how fights were fought. Something hurtful gets said to her, she says something hurtful back. Even if nothing is verbally said, but instead, something is done and taken as hurtful, the response it to be verbally/emotionally hurtful. Fucking toxic.
As you can tell, we both learned some shitty ways to work through things. Fast forward to today… I struggle so bad when my wife and I get to our darkest moments – sometimes seriously thinking about hurting myself. Something will happen that hurt her, or made her feel a certain way, and things will escalate into her saying some shit like, “You’re a b!t(c)h”, or, “You’re a piece of shit!”
Now, I am already not in a calm place. My normal reaction to this – especially if it were any other m0therfu(c)ker saying these words – is to want to stuff their mouth with my fist. My mind saying, “your hateful and hurtful ass is gonna stop right there.” Obviously I can’t do that with my wife, but god damn it if I haven’t edged close to that line. I find myself wanting to knock this b!t(c)h out so fucking bad. She tells me how she fears I’m going to hit her. B!T(C)H! I fear I’m going to hit you! How the fuck do you expect someone who grew up this way, that you are challenging to the highest degree possible, not to fucking want to shut your hurtful ass up?!?!
If I could say something that would shut her up without hurting her that would be great. I’ve tried to stop the arguments that spiral several times and say we need to take a break. She just keeps pushing and pushing. I swear she wants me to hit her. I’m not just saying that. I seriously feel like she wants me to. Maybe to prove that I am some piece of shit. But I’m not. I’m just some fucking guy that wants a healthy relationship with his wife and can’t fucking figure it out. I just want to be happy and healthy, and all we have is fucking toxicity.
All I know is, if I hit this woman, my life is over. At that point, there is no returning. I have nothing, and there will be no point going on. This is why I get so fucking depressed. I just want to smash some fucking faces and get this out of my system. Instead, I hold it all inside and fucking get deeper and deeper in this god damn hole I’m digging.
Fuck!
5 comments
You both have to work through how you handle arguments, and I dont think things will change with just the two of you. Either separate for a short time or permanently, or try to seek something like couples counseling, even just individual therapy. They tend to offer different coping methods.
If both of you don’t work through this, the toxicity won’t go away.
If you really want to punch something, maybe set up a punching bag? Work out that aggression so it’s not eating away at you.
We both have individual therapists, and we also have a couple’s therapist. We spend a lot of money on therapy. It’s been our greatest tool. We make so much progress, and then the toxicity creeps back in and it feels like nothing has changed again. I wish we had therapy tomorrow. Next one isn’t for over a month. On the wait list for one sooner.
The separation has been brought up. The logistics of it are difficult, but it could be worked out. I’ve deployed twice during our relationship. You’d think those would be good times to use to work on ourselves. They actually become a catalyst for more shit.
I actually had a punching bag I recently sold. I never set it up. It was an outdoor one and the stand needed some work. So I just sold it.
Its a lot to unlearn, and progress is sometimes hard to make stick.. Even if there’s times you regress, if overall you’re moving forward then there’s hope.
It’s good that you guys are trying.
I can get why those deployments would sometimes harm instead of help.. distance can be rough, sometimes hard to work through on top of things and lashing out can happen. And you’d both be preoccupied with other stressors.
Alternatives to that? Like access to gym equipment or something?
That’s really not cool that your wife calls you things like b!tch and such. No matter how mad I might get at my husband, name calling is a strict no-no for me, and something I refuse to ever resort to. My mom used to be verbally abusive to me so I know how it really stabs someone in the heart, and you simply don’t do that to someone you love. From what it sounds like, you’re holding back your urge to make a fist, but she’s not holding back her urge to call you names and other verbally hurtful things. Since you guys do therapy I’m assuming she us aware of how you feel about verbal abusion. How does she feel about that? Is she more likey to say “I understand your feelings and I’m trying but it’s hard for me not to be verbal” or is she more likely to say “Well you shouldn’t feel that way because I grew up where being verbal is normal and not a big deal so you’re gonna have to deal with it” Because things definitly can’t improve unless she thinks your feelings are valid and wants to change her habit. The other thing that I’m wondering, is does she apologize for saying hurtful things after the argument has cooled off? If so, then there’s hope of it getting better. Habits take time to break, but as long as she is aware she’s doing wrong amd regrets it, then she’s going the right direction. But that doesn’t mean it’s okay to for her to keep hurting you as long as she apologizes after. She needs to know her actions have consequences so that she’ll be more mindful of what she’s saying in an argument.
As for you, investing in a treadmill might help with releasing that bad adrenoline. Or do pushups/situps. Whenever I get really angry I exert myself in running. Another thing that can help is taking an ice cold shower, or eating something super spicy.
I don’t know how the romance aspect of your relationship is doing, but if you feel like you need to shut her mouth up you could always try shutting her up with a long kiss xD I love whenever my husband does that lol. It reminds me that the argument is pointless and that we still love eachother and shouldn’t be hostile. Sometimes if I’m mad at him, instead of thinkinhg about what upset me, I’ll think about the cute things he does which helps calm me down and remember my true feelings and steer my mind away from the toxicity. That’s something you could try too if you feel mad at your wife.
I just read your previous post, and I feel bad since the situations seems worse than I thought. On one hand I encourage people put every last effort they have into saving their marriage, but on the other hand if two people just aren’t meant for eachother I don’t believe they should continously suffer. I don’t understand why she wouldn’t want you to comfort her during a breakdown? Isn’t that what every anguished person would want? There must be a reason?
Lemme ask you a question though. If you guys no longer had bad arguments and your wife didn’t have episodes, would you be happy? Or do you think you’d still be depressed regardless?