Growing up, whenever someone wanted to be hurtful with their words, the solution was to shut their mouth with your fists — this included siblings. I would much rather get punched in the face than have someone tell me I’m worthless, or a b!t(c)h, or a pu$sy, or make fun of something I’m insecure about. It was the only way I knew how to keep the hurt from coming at me.
My wife grew up in a home where being hurtful verbally/emotionally was the norm. That’s how fights were fought. Something hurtful gets said to her, she says something hurtful back. Even if nothing is verbally said, but instead, something is done and taken as hurtful, the response it to be verbally/emotionally hurtful. Fucking toxic.
As you can tell, we both learned some shitty ways to work through things. Fast forward to today… I struggle so bad when my wife and I get to our darkest moments – sometimes seriously thinking about hurting myself. Something will happen that hurt her, or made her feel a certain way, and things will escalate into her saying some shit like, “You’re a b!t(c)h”, or, “You’re a piece of shit!”
Now, I am already not in a calm place. My normal reaction to this – especially if it were any other m0therfu(c)ker saying these words – is to want to stuff their mouth with my fist. My mind saying, “your hateful and hurtful ass is gonna stop right there.” Obviously I can’t do that with my wife, but god damn it if I haven’t edged close to that line. I find myself wanting to knock this b!t(c)h out so fucking bad. She tells me how she fears I’m going to hit her. B!T(C)H! I fear I’m going to hit you! How the fuck do you expect someone who grew up this way, that you are challenging to the highest degree possible, not to fucking want to shut your hurtful ass up?!?!
If I could say something that would shut her up without hurting her that would be great. I’ve tried to stop the arguments that spiral several times and say we need to take a break. She just keeps pushing and pushing. I swear she wants me to hit her. I’m not just saying that. I seriously feel like she wants me to. Maybe to prove that I am some piece of shit. But I’m not. I’m just some fucking guy that wants a healthy relationship with his wife and can’t fucking figure it out. I just want to be happy and healthy, and all we have is fucking toxicity.
All I know is, if I hit this woman, my life is over. At that point, there is no returning. I have nothing, and there will be no point going on. This is why I get so fucking depressed. I just want to smash some fucking faces and get this out of my system. Instead, I hold it all inside and fucking get deeper and deeper in this god damn hole I’m digging.