I was born among the elite, the educated, proper folk whose minds operated in the mode of mechanical science and who scrutinized the world through the lens of a logician’s numerical calculations. Everything was numbers, statistics to be enhanced – for in their eyes progress was a thing which could only be observed through the flux of quantities, not cherished, personal victories incapable of being translated into benchmarks.
As such quantitative endeavors like that of grades and money were emphasized while the development of qualitative phenomena like that of the arts and the emotions were vastly neglected. I have never seen my mother nor father express romantic affection to anyone and so rare was physical contact between anyone in the family that when I came of age the sensation of human contact was a foreign novelty (which in later years pathetically expressed itself as sexual arousal at the simple contact between myself and others).
I had lavish birthday parties thrown for me in childhood and a disgustingly ample amount of toys and trinkets. My parents spoiled me with gifts and splendors, love manifested itself as presents and physical objects. I had all these possessions, all these amenities, all these luxuries, but of all expensive things I did own did I lacked what is most cheaply afforded, that which is exchanged in even the most destitute of environments – never did I have genuine love. The thing within the human that recognizes, creates and expresses that which is love never burgeoned within me, it atrophied into obsolescence and now resides in a permanent state of cessation. I can’t feel love. The closest sensation of love I feel is love for myself, but it is more akin to arrogance and grandiosity than affection, delight, indulgence or whatever one would deem the sensation of love is. Why did I receive gifts when all I really wanted was a simple hug? Is love and affection not the most basic of human behavior? Then why did I never receive it?
Money repulses me, luxury and beauty repulses me. It is money and prestige that has robbed me of the most essential human function, it has taken from me the ability to derive pleasures from that which money and prestige is intended to bring – it has rendered my existence meaningless. Yes, there is no use in my life when stripped to the most elementary level I am desolate and impoverished of emotion while those around me when relieved of all material retain a wealth of hope, enjoyment, kinship and most importantly love. Money can be obtained by any through a multitude of means while love will never be mine no matter any course of action. I abhor money and all its wretched allure. Money, the most cunning succubus that has stolen everything from me by giving me everything.