I´m stuck in this toxic lonely place in life. I´m stuck in this mindset for as long as my memories go. My life has not changed in any way since I was 12 except I now smoke weed everyday alone. I´m 19 now but still just an overgrown child. I have just wasted the most important years of my life. I have not a single right to cry here about it (but apparently I´m doing it anyway) . It is everything just my fault. I have distanced myself from everyone, or they just stopped caring coz I´m too irresponsible for any meaningful relationship. I´m very antisocial now. Everything is falling apart and I don´t have a single bit of responsibility to fix it. I know I would be able to fix it eventually if I tried. But I´m just so fkin pathetic even waking up is too much work for me. (I have slept for 14 hours today… again). I can´t do nothing but procrastinate. I get very depressed and insecure about it and that makes it even harder to change, which makes me even more insecure and so on… I don´t know how to break this circle.
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Why do you feel like you have wasted the best years of your life? You have your whole life ahead of you brother. You responded back to one of my posts about my PTSD and I appreciated it. So I will extend the same offer to you if you would like to talk via email we can.
Thank you! It helps that someone out there cares at least a little bit even if you dont know me… I feel like the only one that can help myself is me tho… I think I just need to find just a tiny bit of self esteem somehow but I dont really know where to find it. Right now I feel like I dont even deserve better. I feel like I dont deserve any relationships coz I would only make the person miserable and disappoint them like I disappoint my family.
Women generally score higher on conscientiousness. That may be hardwired, something to do with hormones or something.
But observe women: What do they tend to do? They tend to reach out when they need help. They tend to connect and maintain relationships better.
Maybe you need to do the same thing. No man is an island. Sure, some guys are super Robinson Crusoe-like and can work super hard on some project cooped up in their room for weeks. But some of us aren’t like that. We need a social framework to motivate us to shower.
I’ve seen Nicholas Cage, who seems to pump out movies say that he has to stay busy, because things kind of fall apart if he’s just at home.
I really liked him for saying that. Imagine being a Hollywood star and still taking lots of smaller roles just because you feel like you need some structure in your life. How cool is that?
I see something in your history that might be significant.
“My life has not changed in any way since I was 12…”
Our personal growth may just halt in the aftermath of some trauma or some illness that went undiagnosed.
Somebody trustworthy will be needed to help you break out of the circle.
Good advise 57, but easier said than done. I can relate to the OP, had that friendship too, it’s a big help, but I believe that’s over now.
Best of luck OP. My perspective, this friend needs to be a female and probably better if it isn’t sexual
Maybe you guys are right. Its hard tho. How can I find someone trustworthy if I dont even consider myself worthy of anyones trust… Especially a girl. I´m too scared of them. I can have a basic conversation but if I had to talk about my insecurities or my romantic interest I would probably freeze and start shaking. Maybe I have some trauma from having a crazy father but probably it´s just an excuse that I made up over the years. I´m sure there are people that had it much harder with their parents and still are normal. Also what is an OP?
I can so relate, like a school kid, I even need my therapist to give me some simple “homework” to get me going, but even so I have difficulty accomplishing them. Sorry I don’t have a solution yet
I smoke weed usually daily, well before 2016, I smoke weed because I’m in pain and it can loosen me up so I can have a good time. It might be a waste of time, but I look at it more like a medicine. At least I can enjoy myself after I smoke weed. I started smoking at 16 and a half, but I’ve been suicidal since I’m unsure, probably 12. I was set to commit at 18 years, but I was stopped before I could. Now I see it like. I’m living for virtually nothing, at least I’ve got some weed. Til I was fined 9,000$ for smoking weed, then I was forced to quit. If it was my choice, I wouldn’t have quit, but I don’t have the authority to take money from young women like they do, so I have to obey their worthless commands.
If they don’t force me into the mental hospital – I call it a “good year”
Hi thanks for your comment! Im glad I see you here again friend. Hope your doin better.
Pathetic, you hit the nail on the head brother! For me, I feel exactly like that and I”m in my 40’s 🙁
I never got into weed, but I have drank my fair share. I’m so afraid of tomorrow sometimes that I stay up until all hours of the night watching movies. I then sleep until mid afternoon because I dread starting my day. Damn awful existence. I also alienated everyone in my life and find the thought of having to ‘start’ fixing everything is just too much work. Relationships; hell, I hate myself…how can I expect someone else to like me? Today I have truly tried to break the cycle. I have set alarms all day long to keep me on track. I awoke at 7 and jumped in the shower and started my day by going to the gym. Its not even 2pm and I feel like today has unlimited time. I normally would still be in bed. I am actually getting some work done! This high might be temporary, but I am going to ride this wave as long as possible. The cycle you speak of is very hard to break cause everything works perfectly against you. You have to change something dramatic in your day, as uncomfortable as that may be. For me discomfort is a better choice than the alternative of ‘offing’ myself, because I really cannot keep going on like this. I’m desperate myself because I honestly would not make it through Christmas otherwise. Test it out, wake up early tomorrow, promise yourself you won’t smoke tomorrow and find one thing to do outside, even if its a short walk. The weather is amazing, you might find a spark…that’s all it takes (I hope).
Day 2, slept 13 hours. No energy, no gym, no work. Fuckin miserable again out of nowhere. WTF. Some days feels like somebody has drugged me. I can’t explain. So much for my great yesterday.