Almost 50 years of suffering……..

I’ve done the medications, done the talk therapy, hospitalized – I have 35 years of psych records,so no nothing else is going to change at this point in my life.  I thought I needed someone who understands my pain to give me permission to go, but I don’t now I’m at peace with the idea, have the place, time, method, its very well planned this time, I hope I fucking get it right this time, I keep screwing it up (I’m such a failure)  This time I have announced it on Facebook -yesterday, told everyone I know that I am ready to go this week. But I thought the world should know what it did to me(I’m still embarrassed that people will read this and think I have horrible grammar like it matters at this point) , so I figured this was a good place to say fuck you world, I’m done – Thank you for the suffering. Like everyone else,,, I just wanted to be loved and had a lifetime of rejection. Every boyfriend I ever had broke up with me, every friend I ever made eventually stopped talking to me, fired from almost every job I ever had. I owned a 3 bedroom house for years and was always looking for a roommate, 5 different people moved in over the years, NONE of them stayed past the first month. I have never once felt like a belonged here, or anywhere to anything to anybody. I dont remember a time when I was happy. I have never gone 6 months in a row without wanting to die in 50 years,, never so why did I last so long, suffer so long, why have I punished myself so long by staying? Truth is I thought he might come back for me, that there was still hope of finding my happy place, hope something in me would change. IM DONE. I’m a middle aged woman on welfare, never had children, my pet passed away just over 2 years ago. No dependents,no debt, no estate,,, why not go? I havent seen my only sibling since 2004, last time I saw my father was ‘92, he’s dead now I was so grateful when he died in 09, he was an awful man.
I’ve been rehearsing my suicide the last few weeks, I think this time I will get it right. I tried to do it on my brothers birthday, chickened out, so today is the birthday of a man who hurt me very badly and cost me over $25000 , I like the symbolism. Came closest I have come to dying in a long time with Sunday’s rehearsal. Unfortunately car was not sealed up enough and I sat there for 2 hours and finally just gave up,, I will have the right combo tonight.
The first time I remember wanting to die I was 5, already a victim of sexual abuse by family members, babysitter,and an older sibling of a childhood friends. I remember again at 10 or 11 wanting to die( badly bullied), then I was abused again when I was 12 by a 26 year old family friend, and ganged raped at 16 by 3 boys I knew in my own room (didn’t tell anyone for 5 years, never my mom), and those are just the highlights. A life time of emotional, physical, sexual abuse,,,,,I am a very broken individual,,,,suffering from depression and Border Line Personality disorder, I am incapable of normal human relationships at this point, thus I have no friends left, only a mom who loves me dearly but hurt me so much I can’t live just for her anymore. First man I ever had a consensual sexual relationship with came home from work late on a Saturday night, 3 weeks after we purchased -moved in to our new home we had just purchased together and told me he didn’t love me anymore and he was moving out, that night he cleaned out our bank and went to his mom’s, of course I had just been fired from my job for a little salt in the wound. That was in 1991, I never ever had a loving relationship again in my life, never could believe someone would love me again. I have suffered enough,,,,, I let people use me because people never really like me, when I was 20’s I use to pay for everyone’s drinks at the clubs so they would go out with me, just pathetic behavior, so desperate for anyone to like me, et a lone touch the fat girl I was. I gave the last 20 years to a man who will never love me the same way I did,,,,,,, he only wants to fuck me with no strings, no responsibility to me, and I loved him so much I thought I would pretend he loved me the same way. It started as an affair (he’s been divorced for 12 years now and still doesn’t want me) and he is so ashamed of me, and from the very first hug he ever gave me,,,,it felt like magic. It was so warm, comforting and safe feeling, I’d never felt anything like before, I craved his hugs like a drug. He’s only fucking me until he finds someone to really share his life with, and I am let him. He was very honest with me that he would never settled down with someone with mental illness, he didn’t have it in him, but he finds me sexually irresistible and I loved him so much. Then I punish him for not loving me the right way, hurt him so badly, and I am cruel. There is an emotional terrorist that lives deep inside me, that I have to protect the world from.  He told me on October 7 he did not want to see or speak to me ever again, he’s gone and its my fault, he deserved better than me. I was cruel to him on the day of his childhood friends funeral because I was feeling unloved and ignored. I really do deserve to die, after the last 40ish years of suffering I’ve done my time, my punishment for being born should be over. One of the worst things I ever did was lose 155lbs,, I was very overweight (size 26) – what the weight gave me was an excuse I could tell myself every time a guy rejected me – I could tell myself ‘he doesn’t like fat girls, if only he got to know me’,,, when I got to a size 6 and faced even more rejection,,, I had to accept it was my personality that turned men off, not my body— that is a lot harder to come to terms with. I even tried online dating this last year, there was still a glimmer of hope I might someone who would be my friend and lover, what a friggin disaster that was. No one wants a fucking crazy woman as a girlfriend.  I even tried one of those peer supported chat rooms for support recently for the first time except I think suicide is the right decision for for some people, I’m a complete waist of resources on the planet,,,I wanted to tell a young man hurting – half my age,, that its not worth it, I didn’t,, I just told him I regretted every minute of the last 25 years and wished I had been successful my first serious attempt. For everyone who bullied me, made fun of me, fired me, abused me, used me, hurt me, broke me, abandon me, fucked me, —– FUCK YOU and the day you were born.. The only thing that can save me is the right text message before 9pm tonight, I will know its a sign to stay if it comes, if not. I WILL KNOW I AM FINALLY FREE……………………………………………………………………