I can´t find anyone to love because I´m depressed and have low self esteem. I am depressed because I can´t find anyone. I feel like I don´t deserve it.
It´s like a closed never ending cycle. I don´t know what to do.
For starters, you’re not a pathetic male and you deserve good things just as much as anyone! Don’t let depression lie to you by thinking these negative things about yourself. I get how convincing those whispers can be but you have to realize they’re not true. Eventually (probably when you’re not looking and least expect it) you’ll find someone that shows you all the good in yourself. It might seem impossible now but it’s not. Trust me, I’ve been there. My depression stemmed from loneliness, wishing to love and be loved, always talking myself down and lying to myself about being worthless, thinking I deserved to be miserable. I’ve so been there. Then I decided I had enough, and I started to break the habit of creating self hate through journaling and writing self-promoting mantras and saying good things about myself. At first I was like “this is stupid” because I didn’t believe it. But I figured if depression can make a habit of making myself believe lies, surely I could reverse it and convince myself to believe positive things. And it worked, self disgust turned into optimistic smiles. Then funny enough once I stopped focusing on finding love and focused on improving myself, that’s when my now-husband entered my life. I still get waves of depression sometimes but overall my life is a lot better. Not because I found love, but because I improved my mentality and myself. I feel like finding love was my reward for those efforts. Before that I was with an ex for 2 years, and I thought it would cure my depression but it didn’t and I was so miserable. So moral of the story: You can still find love if you’re depressed with no self-esteem, but chances are it’s not going to make you happy. It will temporarily make you happy at first while it’s new since it masks the depression symptoms, but unless you learn to love yourself too, you’d probably end up spiraling downward once the newness fades. You’re probably sick of hearing people to tell you to love yourself before you love someone else (I hated hearing it at first) but you don’t realize how true it actually is until you actually start making that effort in baby steps. Not saying you need to love yourself *before* you love someone else, but it’s usually the best time to do that because you’ll be more likely to enter a genuine healthy relationship, and less likely to *think* you love someone out of not wanting to be alone. Back then I thought I truly loved my ex, but really he was just one big comfort zone so that I could experience affection and not have to be alone. He wasn’t good for me, he was too nurturing to where it only encouraged my depression to get worse by feeding my need for attention and pity.
The guy I love is like you, have the same problems you wrote and other problems too lixe anxiety disorder, panic attacks and is anti social, different etc etc etc. None of that has stopped me to love him. So to be you isnt the problem.
The problem is that till find a person who really accept us in the way we are takes time, sometimes years,decades. And we dont want to wait so much. Besides that we know love doesnt last forever nowadays…so its too much waiting for no guarantee.
I dont know if I’ll be loved forever by this guy I love but all love I gave him and he gave me back made the best period of my life. I’m alive bc of him.
What I suggest you is dont look for love. Give up love sincerely and do sth else. Plan your life without love, love yourself and take care of yourself. Doing it real love will find you. Its not logical but real love comes when we are not looking for it anxiously, it comes when we learn to be happy alone.
2 comments
For starters, you’re not a pathetic male and you deserve good things just as much as anyone! Don’t let depression lie to you by thinking these negative things about yourself. I get how convincing those whispers can be but you have to realize they’re not true. Eventually (probably when you’re not looking and least expect it) you’ll find someone that shows you all the good in yourself. It might seem impossible now but it’s not. Trust me, I’ve been there. My depression stemmed from loneliness, wishing to love and be loved, always talking myself down and lying to myself about being worthless, thinking I deserved to be miserable. I’ve so been there. Then I decided I had enough, and I started to break the habit of creating self hate through journaling and writing self-promoting mantras and saying good things about myself. At first I was like “this is stupid” because I didn’t believe it. But I figured if depression can make a habit of making myself believe lies, surely I could reverse it and convince myself to believe positive things. And it worked, self disgust turned into optimistic smiles. Then funny enough once I stopped focusing on finding love and focused on improving myself, that’s when my now-husband entered my life. I still get waves of depression sometimes but overall my life is a lot better. Not because I found love, but because I improved my mentality and myself. I feel like finding love was my reward for those efforts. Before that I was with an ex for 2 years, and I thought it would cure my depression but it didn’t and I was so miserable. So moral of the story: You can still find love if you’re depressed with no self-esteem, but chances are it’s not going to make you happy. It will temporarily make you happy at first while it’s new since it masks the depression symptoms, but unless you learn to love yourself too, you’d probably end up spiraling downward once the newness fades. You’re probably sick of hearing people to tell you to love yourself before you love someone else (I hated hearing it at first) but you don’t realize how true it actually is until you actually start making that effort in baby steps. Not saying you need to love yourself *before* you love someone else, but it’s usually the best time to do that because you’ll be more likely to enter a genuine healthy relationship, and less likely to *think* you love someone out of not wanting to be alone. Back then I thought I truly loved my ex, but really he was just one big comfort zone so that I could experience affection and not have to be alone. He wasn’t good for me, he was too nurturing to where it only encouraged my depression to get worse by feeding my need for attention and pity.
Hi
The guy I love is like you, have the same problems you wrote and other problems too lixe anxiety disorder, panic attacks and is anti social, different etc etc etc. None of that has stopped me to love him. So to be you isnt the problem.
The problem is that till find a person who really accept us in the way we are takes time, sometimes years,decades. And we dont want to wait so much. Besides that we know love doesnt last forever nowadays…so its too much waiting for no guarantee.
I dont know if I’ll be loved forever by this guy I love but all love I gave him and he gave me back made the best period of my life. I’m alive bc of him.
What I suggest you is dont look for love. Give up love sincerely and do sth else. Plan your life without love, love yourself and take care of yourself. Doing it real love will find you. Its not logical but real love comes when we are not looking for it anxiously, it comes when we learn to be happy alone.