Im posting here pretty much everyday now – its the only thing that gives me relief along with listening to suicidal underground rap music. I know I need to be here for my mom and my sisters but its so hard. Why is life so fking hard? Its not hard for me in the outside world but in my mind I feel like Im going crazy. I dont even enjoy anything, I have no goals or plans for the future, everything seems meaningless. Every minute I just suffer. I at least used to enjoy smoking weed and playing video games but now I dont anymore.
I cant focus on anything. I have very high IQ and I actually so fking hate it. I would love to be dumb so much, even better be some kind of totally stupid animal like a chicken that isnt even aware of its existence. I think that its so much better to exist like that, human brain must have been just some huge evolutionary mistake. Despite my IQ I cant even learn anything. Recently i cant even think clearly anymore. I am not able to pay attention to anything for more than 2 minutes. I am so restless.
I feel like my soul is crying inside me all the time. I would like to cry for hours even days so much but my body for some reason doesnt allow me to cry. Also I have very weird sleeping patterns. I always cant fall asleep for like 2 days, sleeping maybe like 5 hours total in 2 or 3 days and that is followed by a period of total exhaustion when I could sleep for more than 12 hours straight and Its never enough.
I wish some accident would kill me so I would not have to be guilty for leaving my family behind but I could no longer exist here. I think Im going to visit some psychiatrist soon but I doubt it will help. Maybe I have some mental illness but I dont think thats the case. I think its just that Im lonely. Maybe if I got into some intimate relationship that would help me (probably not) but I just dont have the confidence and self esteem to be honest with my feelings for someone. Maybe I am too fked up for it at this point. I dont know.
5 comments
Everything you wrote here you should tell to a psychiatrist. Just leave out your suicidal stuff.
If that helps personally I never like talking to professionals about my personal problems I don’t trust them someone who gets paid to listen to my problems but if it helps someone else then go for it I rather medicate through alcohol which is way worse and I am tempted to go out for a walk to buy some but I already had my fill of alcohol on Sunday and Monday but maybe I will today or later in the month.
Same here, my future is totally bleak there’s no way to fix this shit, and it’s getting worse. Dunno how long I can hang on for
I understand. My username could be PatheticMale too.
I’m done. Between my deteriorating brain and social skills, problems finding and keeping a job, complete lack of success, no real friends, financial problems, a piece of shit ex-gf who controls access to my daughter and enjoys making things difficult for me, and near-constant bad luck… I’m just done.
I don’t want to live anymore. I wish I could die. Not having to do it myself would be ideal, but since I hardly ever get what I want.. I’ll have to do it myself.
March 22nd is my target date. It can’t get here soon enough.
You put so many of me feelings into words, I never thought I could relate to something so much. I don’t want to seen pessimistic, but I wouldn’t get your hopes up when talking to any psychologists, because that’s what I did and it just made me feel worse. I don’t think anyone’s ever too fked up for love, I think they just have to wait for that right person. My sister is 21 and has never even held hands with a guy, while I’m 19 and I’ve kissed like 7. I think it just depends on the person you are, and I honestly with I was more like my sister because it seems like the more guys I kiss the less it means anything. Or I could just be spiraling into a numb nothingness who knows. Anyway, I hope you don’t kill yourself and if you ever need to talk my email is victoriadenny99@gmail.com It’s an alias I’ve created for sites like these. 🙂