Well, I’ve been thinking about whether I should forgive my older brother he is in jail again on his own stupidity of his own drug problem long story short I have a bad history of enabling my brother with money and the debt he owes me is somewhere around $1000-1500 dollars just an estimate I would have to look through all the transaction transfers via Facebook, Western Union, and Smart Deposit for bailing his ass out of jail near the end of August and within the following month of September he got arrested again and I am kind of done having to relive another ten years of the same bullshit to the point that I started drinking I am handling it I am not going to be drinking for two weeks straight more out of every other weekend or special occasions or if stressed out.
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What does forgive in this case mean? If it means bailing him out again, not good. Same for letting him have any type of contact with your money, unless you’re fine knowing you won’t actually see it ever again.
If he’s being an idiot, it’s his own fault and not on you to bail him out. Especially as he doesn’t want to learn his lesson.
If forgiveness means accepting you won’t get the money back, acknowledging him as a fellow flawed individual and welcoming him into your life as long as he’s not using/abusing/being toxic to your health or is seeking help, and wishing him well, then that sounds good. That might mean he has to be separate from your life for a while, outside of just jail.
Question is, has anything changed in him enough to deserve your forgiveness. If you forgive by bailing him out, this probably won’t be his last time inside.
Well honestly I am not certain if I can forgive the money he owes me I should give up on the money but I just don’t want to deal with him again since I am not confident that he’ll ever get better he has to do it on his own meaning he has to feel so uncomfortable to the point where he helps himself out again but normally he doesn’t stay clean for long only a few months, as for him being flawed like the rest of us isn’t really the problem but him always trying to manipulate me and get money out of me and making e feel bad for something that isn’t my fault is the constant and variable that always bothers me especially when he tries to get money from me but I told him a while back that I was going to disown him when it comes to money since I paid $210 dollars for his bond of bail near the end of August and not even a full month later within last month of September he got himself arrested and it has been eating away at my mind to the point I started having conversations with myself as if I was talking to him I don’t hear voices but I do walk around and pace and talk to myself a lot tried stopping it but that has always been a part of my life only if I am alone in idle silence like in my apartment building room most of surrouded by people unless walking and talking to myself in the street not all the time but it just pisses me off helping him so many times and it just relapse back to the same garbage. I know the money I have given him wasn’t all for drugs but some of it was most for his own expenses well trying to also support myself. I’ve been thinking about keeping my distance from him because I don’t have kind words for him.
We all got different flaws. One of his is abusing trust.
And yeah, unless he goes through a radical change, that money will never be seen again. I know that can be a hard thing to let go, but not happening.
You’re doing the convo thing because you feel its not fair and You’re angry, understandably so. But as things are you won’t be able to get the resolution you want from him, like he be coming responsible. Do you ever repeat the conversation in your head, same topics? You’ve had more than enough.
It’s for your well being to keep your distance unless and until he decides he’s had enough too.
Yeah I do have some of the same conversations in my head silently and verbally thinking out loud type of deal, but he had someone message me about wanting to write a letter to my address and I didn’t give the messenger my address due to not being interested in reading any letter from my brother since that is a repeat of what more or less happened before so I think I just don’t want to read or hear anything he has to say pretty much regardless of giving him another chance which I know he says a lot in different scenarios I am not huge fan of giving people multiple second chances especially since some people exploit those chances and or over step their bounds.
One has to ask at what point has giving and giving and giving money to another become enabling.
@a1957 yeah it depends on your perspective some people consider it enabling others see it as the older brother taking advantage of the younger brother he is only a year older than me but another perspective is oh the younger brother is helping out the older brother it depends and honestly right now it doesn’t bother me at the moment because I haven’t he hasn’t asked me for money but I also haven’t been contacted back by him in a while.
Every case is different. I have two adult relatives I love but no matter who helps them how much they can always find a way to return to broke as if compelled to do so by some belief or thought pattern I cannot comprehend. For one of them it is sad and for the other it is heart breaking.
Hopefully your brother does better than the two people I am thinking of.
@a1957 Yeah, time will tell if I remove my own bias and prejudices and everything else and same with everyone else I can understand his perspective and why he does it but that is still no excuse to try to get money from me I know he hates asking me for money as much as I hate giving him money but since the last proxy messenger tried to get me to give my brother my address I said no due to rehash relapse bullshit.
So pretty much story is currently I am just going to try and go my separate way from him until he does better again since I think I know how this will play out as it always seems to play out within predictable behavior and outcomes unless there is some radical change or deviation then maybe he’ll finally get better but he needs to figure it out I’m 27 and he is 28 we’re adults more or less grown men so I don’t need to relive the same disappointments for another ten years it is almost 2019 it would’ve been 11 years but again time will tell.
The story here is the same. While the details differ, the theme is the same. After a decade of handouts that I thought were hand ups, it is a non-blaming non-shaming but no hand out story going forward. Heartbreaking.
The other person has been hand up only from me for decades and is beginning to show real improvement. Sad story but improving.
@a1957 if the person is improving which may be a good thing but since I don’t know all the details or background information I am not a God and I am not one to try and provide false hope or false promise or anything of that nature from a realist perspective but maybe just let thing play out so far nothing bad has happen in this scenario but also he hasn’t tried to contact me via personally or by proxy so I’ll just continue to live my life as it is.
Agreed. That is probably the best way going forward.