I can’t wait for the day I decide to die…

Seriously, I’m just so upset with myself and nothing feels great anymore.

I really feel like I’ve messed my head up so bad over the last 12 years, to the point of no return.

I had a panic attack today, first one in ages… guess why? The delivery person came, I ended up getting really overwhelmed for whatever reason… jeez.

I just hate showing my face to anyone. There’s a reason why I became housebound. I feel lesser than everyone else, to the point where I fear others can sense my insecurities. Can sense that I feel inferior. Even to a delivery person who’s just there to drop off a parcel…

This all sounds ridiculous, I know. I just hate myself so much, if I could get hit by a lorry face-first completely mangling myself I would not care. I have the worst personality, I get stroppy with everyone. I don’t do anything. I hardly leave the house. I am awake all night and sleep throughout the day so I don’t have to handle my emotions. I just feel like killing myself… I really do. I would be better off dead. Nobody knows I feel this way. I’ve gotten so damn good at hiding how I feel to those around me. Compared to when I was this attention-seeking preteen who would always tell everyone how depressed I were.

My mum ended up getting some strong pain relief for her arthritis. I wonder what it would be like if I choked down those. Too bad I don’t want anyone to suffer. If anything I’d probably finish myself once I’m living on my own, then nobody has to know anything, they’ll just think I’m being an ***hole by not visiting or calling.