I don’t really know if I belong here. This is my first post and I kinda feel like I’m intruding on a community but I need to vent this somehow and it really feels like there is nothing to do and I should just give up.
I went to college and got a degree. The whole time I dated this guy who was good in some senses but was kind of controlling and I just took it. I got a job in a different state than him and said I just wanted to do it for a year and then I’d move in with him and we’d probably get married and stuff. While I was away, I realized that I hate the field I’ve been in, I am terrible at working, and I don’t want to be with him anymore because I’m tired of being controlled.
I met someone else online during this time. We were just friends and we lived across the country so we figured we were safe from romantic feelings but turns out no. I went through the break up with my college boyfriend and started dating him. We were perfect for each other and understood each other so well. I could talk to him forever. He had some serious problems in his life and was going to end up homeless so I said he could move in with me. He did and that was pretty much perfect, but my work was still killing my soul. It became harder and harder to get out of bed in the morning (I used up all my sick leave) and every day I felt like doing literally any kind of chore was a herculean feat. So I decided since I had some money saved up that I would just quit and find a new job because this one was killing me. I also decided to move back close to my family for a support network. One of his friends who I started talking to was having similar problems as me, a terrible job and needing to move. I said he could move in with us. He really gets me too and I thought it would be perfect.
Now here comes the part where everything goes to hell. I connected with my boyfriend’s friend, helping him move across the country after we moved our stuff. We made a series of choices that I dont even know if they could be avoided because we had crazy chemistry and are probably in love with each other. Now I live with both of them. I told my boyfriend most of what happened and he forgave me for some reason, but then I let it happen again because he lives with me and I just dont know what to do. He walked in on us a couple nights ago and now we’re trying to actually fix things by working on our relationship and stuff but I’m just heartbroken because I love both of them and feel like I need both of them. I feel like garbage for feeling like I need both of them but it doesn’t stop what I’m feeling. And if that wasn’t enough, none of us have jobs yet and we won’t be able to make next months rent unless we find them. I just feel like everything is hopeless and there is no possible good outcome and I can’t even get (or deserve to get) any kind of support for this because I am a huge whore and I can’t pressure them to get jobs because I’ve hurt both of them so much.
I don’t deserve to live and find happiness but even if I did I don’t know how I would. Doing literally anything feels impossible and I’ve got to do a lot in order to keep going, emotionally and financially, and I don’t have the energy for it. My boyfriend’s friend is suicidal as well so I’ve been trying to keep his spirits up but I don’t even have a quarter of the energy I need just for me much less him. Idk what I’ve accomplished by posting this but I hope someone reads and understands me.