I’m Denial

  October 18th, 2018 by AshCoveredAngel

I’ve struggled for years but I still have a habit of dismissing myself insisting “It’s not that bad”.

I compare myself now to the way I was when I was likely in psychosis a few years ago.

I’ve only cried 3 times today….I could have cried for hours non stop.

I’m only scoring 48/76 on depression assessments… I’ve scored 56/86 before.

I’m over eating but I could be living on nothing it cookie dough again.

I’m getting 3-5 hours of sleep a night max but I could be running on 1 or less like I have in the past.

I know I’m not “healthy” and that I never will be but ignoring or dismissing my current feelings won’t help me.

This month marks a lot of things for me. I’ve made it past the anniversary of a few things but Halloween will mark 1 year since I was raped.

Halloween was the last holiday not tainted for me and well that’s not true anymore.

I’m in so much pain. It just hurts. I want to just dissociate from everything but I can never keep it up. Reality always comes crashing through.

I have extremely easy access to what I would need should I finally decide to die by suicide. It would take minimal planning. That gives me some comfort.

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