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I’m Denial

by AshCoveredAngel

I’ve struggled for years but I still have a habit of dismissing myself insisting “It’s not that bad”.

I compare myself now to the way I was when I was likely in psychosis a few years ago.

I’ve only cried 3 times today….I could have cried for hours non stop.

I’m only scoring 48/76 on depression assessments… I’ve scored 56/86 before.

I’m over eating but I could be living on nothing it cookie dough again.

I’m getting 3-5 hours of sleep a night max but I could be running on 1 or less like I have in the past.

I know I’m not “healthy” and that I never will be but ignoring or dismissing my current feelings won’t help me.

This month marks a lot of things for me. I’ve made it past the anniversary of a few things but Halloween will mark 1 year since I was raped.

Halloween was the last holiday not tainted for me and well that’s not true anymore.

I’m in so much pain. It just hurts. I want to just dissociate from everything but I can never keep it up. Reality always comes crashing through.

I have extremely easy access to what I would need should I finally decide to die by suicide. It would take minimal planning. That gives me some comfort.

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4 comments

Yikrens 10/18/2018 - 10:21 pm

I tried to answer you, but I made a new post which resulted I a try to give into your expectations of this strong word psychosis and also the recovery from.

day2day 10/19/2018 - 1:38 am

A normal person requires at least 7-8 hours sleep a night. When I was younger I could pull all-nighters, not eat healthy and my body would ride it all very well. I’m middle-aged now and if I don’t get proper sleep, I pay for it in terms of headaches, back pain, and other issues.

Proper sleep is as important as eating well for the body. I once read that to get over depression/anxiety you just have to go back to living a normal routine, eat/sleep on time. It will take a few weeks to re-adjust but it works. I’m speaking from experience, I went through a lot of hard times and keeping a normal routine got me out of it.

As for the rape, perhaps you might want to talk to a therapist about it, they might have better advice than what we can suggest here. It might help to try to find closure. Also to know that your rapist ended up in jail could help as well, to get over it.

Regarding pain, I’ve had some health issues also and it’s a great feeling when you heal up and the pain is no longer there.

As for over-eating that too can be controlled. Problems can be overwhelming but the key is to break them all down into pieces and handle them one at a time. Most of them are not insurmountable, they just require some discipline and an honest effort to change your life.

I was a skinny kid in high school then got very muscular in university but I let myself go, but I know how to work out, how to push myself so I know getting back in shape will be easy for me, but I need to solve more critical issues in my life before I can deal with that.

Also, don’t listen to people who don’t know what they’re talking about. Some people used to give me stupid advice, thinking they were helping, but then I realized they didn’t know what they were talking about and I had it right the first time.

Your mind is your most powerful tool, you can change your body, life and everything else. But it is something you have to want and be willing to work for. Behind every successful person is hours of hard work, pain, and suffering. People look at the results but they don’t see the effort. Best of luck.

AshCoveredAngel 10/19/2018 - 2:22 am

I’ve been running on this amount of sleep for 4-5 years now and what medication available to me does not work and a doctor will not prescribe sleeping pills given my history they don’t want me to OD on it (difficult as formulas have changed but I digress). Medication, especially antidepressants and mood stabilizers aren’t safe for me to take.

As for over eating that will only last until I get no pleasure from it anymore. I binge everything in cycles and I’m pretty sure it’s because of my personality disorder which has a symptom of not being able to experience pleasure or very little.

I’ve spent most of my life in therapy and it does jack squat for me. Even EMDR couldn’t help me. (Support system isn’t strong enough for the ECT I wanted) I’ve been dealing with intrusive and suicidal thoughts for 18 years of my 26 year long lifespan. Therapist, primary, and psychiatrists have all told me that I can expect to never “get better” but worsen. Their sugar coating by saying it can be managed doesn’t help me.

My rapist is also the father of my youngest child, so even if he was in jail he could petition for rights to see them. I have to deal with him on the regular as that is what is best for our kid, no matter what happened between us. (he’s never expressed abusive behavior towards our child. Should he, I will end their relationship)

I appreciate the tips but it’s not like I’ve never heard it all before.

day2day 10/19/2018 - 2:48 am

Ok no problem, I hear where you’re coming from. No one else can understand our issues as well as we can. God knows there are things I really need to sort out also. Either way, I wish you well.

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