I’ve struggled for years but I still have a habit of dismissing myself insisting “It’s not that bad”.
I compare myself now to the way I was when I was likely in psychosis a few years ago.
I’ve only cried 3 times today….I could have cried for hours non stop.
I’m only scoring 48/76 on depression assessments… I’ve scored 56/86 before.
I’m over eating but I could be living on nothing it cookie dough again.
I’m getting 3-5 hours of sleep a night max but I could be running on 1 or less like I have in the past.
I know I’m not “healthy” and that I never will be but ignoring or dismissing my current feelings won’t help me.
This month marks a lot of things for me. I’ve made it past the anniversary of a few things but Halloween will mark 1 year since I was raped.
Halloween was the last holiday not tainted for me and well that’s not true anymore.
I’m in so much pain. It just hurts. I want to just dissociate from everything but I can never keep it up. Reality always comes crashing through.
I have extremely easy access to what I would need should I finally decide to die by suicide. It would take minimal planning. That gives me some comfort.