Today I came across a dying rabbit while out walking. It had a deep wound at the back of it’s neck, presumably from where it had been bitten. My guess is that my approach had scared off whatever predator made the kill. It was just lying there, chest rising and falling as it breathed in and out, gazing up helplessly. I assume it was paralyzed. I’ve come across a fair number of animal corpses before, and live ones are everywhere this time of year, but I don’t think I’ve ever been that close to something that large while it was actually dying.
What struck me was the pathetic, pitiful state of the thing. It wasn’t writhing around in pain, or crying out (do rabbits even have a call?) But it didn’t look peaceful either. It looked like a creature that had had it’s entire world swept from under it’s feet in an instant, and on some level knew that it was finished. Not wanting to let go of life, but too far gone to have any hope of it going on. It had passed from the point of struggling to survive to being something else’s dinner, while still being conscious and aware of the process.
And I couldn’t help identifying with it in that moment. The truth is that I have no idea what it’s like to be in that tiny rabbit brain. Maybe it was so flooded with endorphins that it wasn’t even really suffering at that point. Maybe it was in shock. Maybe it’s desire to survive bears no resemblance to our own fear of death. I don’t know. But there’s some kind of mammalian resemblance there, that I saw in it’s face. The recognition of something that wanted not to die, but now lay helplessly experiencing it. Perhaps that’s just me anthropomorphizing it.
I couldn’t take the thought of just leaving it there in that state, possibly for hours. I felt like I should probably end it’s suffering, but I didn’t have it in me to bash it with a rock or snap it’s neck. My instinct was to want to comfort it somehow, but I figured touching it would only distress it more. Eventually I decided to walk the 5 minutes to my house, and we went back with the car, with the thought of running it over to try and finish it off. Thankfully in the intervening time it had finally passed away.
But it forced me to acknowledge the reality of death on a level that’s never really hit me before. That I happened to stumble across that one creature in it’s final moments is insignificant in comparison to the billions of other animals that go through the same every day. That lie there helpless while experiencing something else tearing their body apart. Nature is truly red in tooth and claw. And of course I’ve known it was happening, intellectually. I’ve watched wildlife documentaries and felt the pang of sympathy as the antelope falls to the lion. But being that close forced me to really recognize it. Death waits just around the corner, for all of us. My aging dog, whose body is already breaking down. My aging parents, likewise. Me. We’re all just a car accident away from that point of helpless desperation, when we’re finally forced to give up the struggle to survive, and are overpowered by something beyond our control. Millions of people, every day, having life ripped from them, unable to deny it anymore.
I really struggle to see the good in this world. All that hopeless suffering, desperation, pain and fear. The will to survive, ultimately failing. And I’m part of of the process. I eat fish and dairy, which requires the death of even larger creatures. We feed our dog meat on a daily basis (including rabbit!). I swat mosquitoes without a second thought. Our cars frequently grind the corpses of other unlucky creatures into the dust. I am a bringer of death and suffering to others.
Can it be worth it – all that suffering, all that struggle? For the sake of reproducing your genes, perpetuating the cycle. The moments of satisfaction, happiness, peace, beauty. It it worth it? Is it good that this world exists? That life exists? That this cycle goes on? I struggle to see it. I want to believe on some level that it’s justified – that the blood price that we all face for existence is worth paying. But I doubt. If you put all those moments of fear, pain, and helpless hopeless suffering against those moments of joy, beauty and satisfaction, do you come out with something positive? Does the positive justify the negative? Or would it be a mercy if the whole cycle just came to an end?
I don’t know how to stop thinking about this. The fact that I have no power to change things doesn’t seem to make a difference to that. I have this need to believe that life is a good thing. And my mind keeps fixating on disturbing evidence to the contrary. I don’t think it’s the fact of death in the abstract that disturbs. It’s the way that life is torn from most creatures with no choice but to helplessly cling to it. It’s pitiful.
5 comments
Great post, insightful and thoughtful. I’m in a semi morbid twilight stretch of life right now, and find myself fascinated with a tv show on a Mexican network that shows videos of people dying every which way. Thirty minutes of death, “and it’ll be right back after these commercial messages.” Being shot, run over, burned, stabbed, mauled, hit by trains, it’s all available for anyone who wants to watch.
Like what you point out, it’s surreal to see a living, graceful creature, be it human or animal, caught in the throes of death. It is ugly and doesn’t discriminate, but it is part of the cycle of life we all must face, as you say. It is coming.
Initially repulsed at what I was seeing and repulsed by the fact that this show is even on television, I found that it transformed my perspective. I often wonder if soldiers in combat experience something similar when dealing with death so often, being forced to acknowledge and accept that death is just part of the package we’ve all opened up at birth.
The only sensible conclusion I was able to reach is that all that matters is how I treat others in each moment. Maybe that’s simple minded and pointless, given the thousands of religious ideologies that purport to have so much of life’s mysteries figured out along with guidelines and routines for its practice, but as I watch humans butcher humans for their color, for their beliefs, for their possesions, and ponder the evil we are capable of, I can see no other point to being alive as I await my own conclusion, unaware of when and how it will playout.
I don’t know if this all makes sense, but like you, watching life slip away from a living being also makes me think. Is being alive worth it? If you are able to find worth and value in it, then I guess so. Either way, we’re all waiting in line to find out.
I don’t think I could watch something like that, but perhaps I should. Perhaps it would be better to try to desensitize myself to the reality of it, rather than shying away. I think you’re probably right about those who experience combat – they have no choice but to face the horrors we spend most of our lives trying to deny. I guess the question is how you do that without being traumatized by it – so many returning soldiers seem to find it impossible to reintegrate into society, or return to a normal life. It’s like they walk around with that secret for the rest of their lives, alienated from the innocents around them.
I think yours seems a sensible conclusion to come to, similar to my own responses at times in the past. I guess I just find it hard to stick to, when such a large part of me is saying that it would be better if none of it existed at all. Motivating myself to try and make whatever tiny positive difference I can to the lives of others, when on some level I feel the world is just terrible – it’s so hard to do. The thought that it would be better to just remove myself from existence as quickly and painlessly as possible continually rises up.
But I think when I ask is it worth it, I don’t just mean for each individual. I mean life in it’s entirety. Can the worth and positive value that some find in it make the suffering of all the creatures who had to live and die to get them there worthwhile? I guess I have this deep need to see the world in a positive light – for the awfulness of life to somehow be redeemed. I want to believe that, that we can be worth all the dead animals that came before, but I struggle with it.
Very powerful thoughts right there.
I felt really bad for the rabbit, and for everyone who had experienced this feeling. I don’t think living in this world is worth it. We were created to be born, to reproduce and to die. Unfortunately there are many feelings involved on the process of living until we hit our final last breath. I don’t think experiencing the amount of pain we have to put up with it means something or will be worth it.
Life is fragile af. We are never satisfied with ourselves, with our lives, with other people. The process of living and surviving is so painful and for what? For nothing.
“I am a bringer of death and suffering to others” love this quote btw. Beautiful and sad at the same time
I struggle so much with this. Part of me wants so badly to believe that it can somehow be worth it. And I worry that my mind distorts things and focuses too much on the negative. That I don’t have enough of the positive experiences that others get from life to get a realistic perspective. I see my family and friends with partners and children and they seem happy (at least some of the time), they seem to feel their lives are worthwhile. And I don’t feel like I can know conclusively that this happiness they’re experiencing right now is not worth all the suffering they’ll experience when they’re dying alone of dementia/cancer in 40 years time. Or all the suffering of other beings that was necessary to make their lives possible. But like I said, I have doubts.
This is a great post; it allows us to put our own lives in perspective: a simple, straightforward, survivalistic perspective without all the bs of human society.
I’m impressed that you took action, as most people would’ve shrugged and walked away thinking “that’s the law of nature” or whatever. But the truth is, if any of us were in the position of that rabbit, we would’ve wanted assistance in some form, and I think THAT is nature.
I know exactly what I would’ve done (and have done in cases of wounded or dying wildlife). I would’ve comforted the rabbit. Who knows if that’s the right thing, but as with your choice, at least it’s doing something based on what we would want. Yes, I’m on a site about suicide, thinking about it constantly, but in my heart I know I want to live if someone could take the pain away. And I think that’s what all dying animals feel. They don’t want to die. They just want the pain to go away.
We humans believe the quickest way to take pain away is with death. That’s why so many of us are here thinking about suicide. Yes, it’s definitely the quickest way, but it’s not the only way. Think of it. To anyone reading this, if the right person came along in the midst of your suffering and gave you genuine comfort, through words, tears or just a warm body to connect with, wouldn’t that help dispel the pain just a little? Maybe enough to hold on and try to heal? If you knew someone was sitting over you wishing you would get better and hop off into the woods, wouldn’t that alone give you comfort and ease your passing?
I know I would definitely appreciate that feeling and probably be inspired to get off the ground and live. I think most animals are like that. People? I don’t know. Our minds tend to get in the way of straightforward, natural sensibility. At any rate, this was a great illustration of life & death for each of us to consider.