First post and Introduction: For reference, I am male in my mid 40’s. I found this website while Google searching for some pretty dark subject matter…things I should not be searching for; wildly grasping at straws for help that I know is not there but hoping to find anything to make me feel better about something. Anyone else ever talked to Google as if it were God? That’s when you know things aren’t good. Regardless, I am glad to have found this site and hopefully it might bring me some perspective on things or at the least let me get some thoughts written down and hear your responses of how you may be experiencing similar things, I think I would find comfort in that. Worst case scenario, it is my account of ‘why’ if anything were to ever ‘happen’ to me; something I can simply point to instead of writing a frantic note at the last minute when I cannot gather my thoughts properly. I can foresee a bad ending to myself and that worries me, but that is not what I want to happen. I can also envision a grand life for myself, but I have no idea how it could ever come to pass. I need help to find anything close to a contentment. As of now, my contentment is zero; my level of hope is zero, isolation levels are off the charts, and basically the rat race world of lemmings and conformists selfishly living their meaningless lives can all go and f*ck themselves. I am in this dark space because nobody gives one shit about anyone but themselves. In the movies people are always like “I never thought they could have killed themselves, I never saw it coming”, well of course not because their heads were way too far up their own asses and they didn’t really give a sh*t about anyone but themselves! This is a major issue for me, resentment towards people living their lives with everything that I do not have anymore (spouse, career, motivation, passion for anything, friends, money, security, hope). But also, for the things that I do have, but can see through the trite meaninglessness of it, while others are so fixated on crap that makes no difference. I feel like I am screaming at the top of my lungs but no one can hear me. No one can see that I am miserable; nobody cares. It’s a horrible frame of mind to be in when apparently nothing can make you happy and if it could, you are so far removed from ever achieving it that its hardly worth the effort. I have let myself down my entire life, I feel as though I am a failure at everything I have ever been a part of. I fear that if I ever attempt ending myself, it is the one thing that I would not fail at. I can’t imagine failing at that and I do not understand how people do fail at that unless they truly are just using it as a cry for help. If I did it, I know there would be nobody to even know I was doing it, or catch me bleeding out, or sitting in my car, or on the floor next to empty pill bottles. There is nobody to save the day and stop me like in the movies, pat me on the back and “everything is going to be alright” to get me through it and make everything all better. I would simply be gone. Deep down I do not want that to happen, hence I chose the username ‘NO FATE’, which you may recognize from the Terminator movies. The line goes “There is no fate but what we make for ourselves”, and while it may be some cheesy movie line there is simplicity and a glimpse of hope behind that statement. Because it means that I can choose my own fate and hopefully pull myself out of this funk of literally not wanting to be here anymore. I can tell you that if the hypothetical question of ‘if you could erase your entire existence by pressing the red button’ ever arose, I would press it without hesitation. Now that is depressing. Bottom line is: I hate everything that I am and have become. I hate everything I have done and for everything I cannot do. I hate my thoughts, my inner self…the core of who I am, my accomplishments (or lack thereof), my relationship status, my reflection in the mirror, and I hate that I have to wake up each day to the same thing over and over again. I hate that everything feels overwhelming and I do not have the energy or desire to even start to fix things. I honestly wish things were different, and I am posting here now to attempt to right my ship.
6 comments
Welcome. Righting the ship is a tall order. I wish you luck. Much of what you said resonates with me and others here. Lemmings, materialism, frustration. We’re a sick misguided society pressing ahead into the dark with little idea on how to find a freaking light switch, but as long as we all have 4G connectivity and techno toys, all will be well. At least that’s what my tv tells me. Rage against the machine man. Rage. Someday it’ll break and then we’ll see it for what it was. Or maybe not.
Welcome, again.
Righting our ship sometimes, to a reasonable degree, happens. The great thing about this place is we can relate to each other because we have all experienced things bad enough to make us want to scuttle that ship.
I don’t envy others for having anything other than a home when I don’t because that is … well.. the only place you can be safe in a world like this….. I guess safety is my top priority because I need to feel safe to even begin to feel like myself or else I’m just living my life pretending to be someone else….. other things, I REALLLLY don’t give a. I don’t want a lover, friends…… career…hope….
Well maybe a little on motivation and passion
I hate the pain of the death and the ripping of a whole lifetime from your own self with your own two hands…..when the red button to erase can do it without the ‘ripping’ feeling/aspect
Thank you for the comments. Knowing that I want to change things is good, but sometimes I feel the hole I’ve dug for myself is just too deep. The thought of real change in my life is completely overwhelming. The fucking regret of how I have lived up to this point in my life and the decisions I’ve made is soul crushing. The only thing keeping me alive (besides my dog) is the fear of quitting before reaching what I consider to be the perfect version of myself. Maybe it will never happen for me.
Mate that was a fantastic post. you are obviously a very smart and articulate guy, I will write a reply but I dont have the words like you have. So look at the positives. I too hate the selfish sheeple who want more of the stuff that doesn’t make any difference. I also know the feeling of being stuck both wanting to end things and not end things, and I also know if I do it, it will be no cry for help. it will be done. I sty for other people, thats the only reason im here. I wrote to try and help..but its not very inspirational, ..I guess wht im tryinf to say is there are good people, people who care even about strangers, maybe it helps living thru the same hell, but we dont want you giving up. Hang in there, dont be more scared of living than you are of dying..thats what i tell myself..and nothing wrong with a cheesy movie quote or anything else that gives you a thread to hang onto…I hold on to NDCQ..not dead cant quit. I hope you make it, I hope things get better. Best of luck from a lemming who gives a damn
Aussie Aussie Aussie…oì, oì, oì!
Thank you so much. You hit on something that I must ponder a good bit; being more scared of living than I am of dying. While I don’t really want to die, I suppose I am actually afraid of living. Afraid of change, despite hating where I’m at which makes little sense. Tony Robbins calls it the avoidance of pain and pursuit of pleasure. My pursuits have gotten me nowhere, and my fear of pain stifles me even more. I’m in a catch22 downward spiral. I virtually associate pain with any action. In my younger days I never thought like this, I use to look forward to the next day and anything was possible. That feeling now seems a long time ago, in a galaxy far far away.