New Person, Same Old Mistakes

  October 7th, 2018 by Blue65

After months of despair and crippling loneliness, I’ve achieved the impossible.
Me, a kissless loser, found a real gem. Someone who actually cares about me, enjoys me and all my quirks, and tries to push me into bettering myself.

I was riding the high for months, it’s the happiest I’ve ever been in my life.
All I’ve ever wanted was just somebody to share my time with, somebody I can just, finally open up to.
Someone to listen, to love me, and just care.

Of course I looked at myself a lot. A relationship can’t work, how can I expect anyone to love me if I can’t even love myself? That, and I’m a very needy person. The fact that I’m self aware of it means I can stop myself at times, but it doesn’t change the problem.
But I took the leap anyways. And now I’m being told how much better they feel having me here, too…

It’s just all been a damned emotional rollercoaster.
Right now I’m at the bottom.

The old thoughts creep into my head, adjusted for the new company.
“You don’t deserve them,” “You’re not good enough,” “What’s so special about YOU? There’s better people out there,” etc, etc…
It’s wearing me down, and though it felt good to talk about, it’s all that’s ever on my mind these days.
I feel it all the time, for every tiny thing that happens, there’s a thought, a shove that it’s all my fault.
My constant talking of it made one of my previous fears a reality. Talking about how sad and terrible I think I am just became enough, and affected their mood.

So I don’t talk about it anymore.
No more feelings, it’s not about me, it’s about them.
I have more thoughts along with it, thoughts of just ending the best thing that’s ever happened to me, because I’m just selfish and can’t deal with my own damned problems…
They say they love me, but I see nothing worth loving.
There’s somebody better out there, someone that isn’t just damaged goods like me…
It’s driven my mind into the ground.
Once again, I’m back to the peak, fantasizing, imagining how free I could be with a single pull of a trigger… Nobody would notice it, nobody would remember it. Family, sad for a moment but the benefits would be worth it in the end. For a long while, family was the only thing keeping me from blowing my brains out- but mainly location wise.
What stops me now is how crushed my other half would be without me…

I’m just useless, and boring, worthless and stupid.
I’m not talked to as often anymore, talk is repetition or small stuff. It’s both our first relationship, and we’ve both agreed that we’d just work with each other.
My problem’s just the same shit though.
I’ve tried to off myself once before, I’ve gone to multiple professionals and tried their damned pills, nothing works.
I was stupid to just think that love could fix it so easily.
Now I’m here with my soulmate, but my heart’s still broken.
I just want to spare them suffering me, having to listen to my drivel, even seeing me around…

There’s much better people out there.
First is the worst, but I’m not worth a damned tear…

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