Ah I’m back. Figures. Probably wont be for long but this place has always been a mental home for me since 2012.
From my posts earlier this year I mentioned i was pregnant.
Well heres some updates
I was sick the whole damn time and I have never been more defeated in my life. Theres nothing like wanting to get out of bed but your body being just too damn weak to do so. Trying to do as much as take a shower but stepping over the tub made me scream in pain. Around April when i hit my second trimester i finally found a prescription that allowed me to eat. Wasnt fool proof though some days were still pretty bad but i stopped dropping weight. In total i lost about 30 lbs in just a month but sadly gained 10 lbs a month following that. I have quite the road to a full recovery in that aspect.
I started to become very sick my third trimester. My feet were so swollen i couldnt really walk. I had a headache every single day. My blood pressure was through the roof. Yet all my labs were normal. I kept begging for an induction just to get the damn pregnancy over. Well at 38 weeks my dr deemed my health no longer safe for me or my baby so i had him 2 weeks early Oct 11.
Idk if it was the 20 hours of labor the epidural giving out and the fact that my fiance wasnt there cause he had to work. But ive been miserable. I had to push for 4 hours and I almost fainted. I was put on oxygen and had a whole group of nurses helping me with my muscle strength cause I lost it all.
For several days after I couldnt even hold my poor baby for longer than 5 minutes without my back giving out.
4 days later my fiance and I moved to our own place. The last week and a half of that has been brutal. I have never wanted to die more than i do now. And this should be such a happy time. My fiance and i fight constantly I feel so neglected when hes at work. I cant handle being alone during the day. Watching our son isnt easy. I love him so much I really do. But I have no energy. The fighting the lack of sleep the uncertainty of how to raise an infant. Last Sunday i almost gave in to self harm after 4 years of being clean. I didn’t do it. But it runs through my mind every day.
Anyways. More or less..
I guess il be okay.
4 comments
Hey, I just want to say… you can do this. “This too shall pass” I know that’s such a cliche saying- but really- your son won’t be an infant forever. It WILL get easier, even just in the next few weeks as you establish a routine and develop more of a bond with your son.
Have you talked with your doctor about your struggles? Some mood swings,
anxiety, and struggling is to be expected after giving birth… the trauma of the labor, the sudden decrease in hormones, a major life change, annnd sleep deprivation to boot! But if you’re thinking of harming yourself or your baby, it’s maybe time to reach out to your doctor?
You are stronger than you know, you carried a life inside of you and brought it into this world. <3
By the way, totally not saying/believing you are thinking of harming your baby… but those thoughts can invade with postpartum depression if left untreated (scary right!?!?)
Just try to be kind to yourself and remember how strong you are… you gave birth to a tiny little human!!!
I’m sorry this has been such a bad experience for you so far ): 4 years clean that’s awesome! I’m 1.5 years clean. But like you, I’ve recently been thinking about it a lot. I refuse to give in but it’s so tempting :/ I’ve been really struggling with loneliness, as my husband plays computer games all day, whereas I don’t have any friends to spend time with like he does, so he just doesn’t really seem capable of understanding how this feels. I finally just got a job so I’m really hoping that will give me enough social interaction to get out of this rut. But for now I feel like I can’t even handle another day of this. I’m just sitting alone in the livingroom with nothing to do while he’s in the other room having fun… and that makes me feel like shit.
Congratulations on the baby!