Back here. Back here. Back. Here. B-A-C-K. H-E-R-E. I haven’t needed this place as much. I mean not really. But once in a while, you have to do the routine dump. I think a part of the reason I don’t use this place anymore is because I kind of figured out what this place is really for. At first I thought this is a place where you can try and cope and find advice for your problems and potentially find like minded people to give you comfort from time to time. That’s not what this place is. It’s a hole. It’s a hole where people go to just chuck their problems down. Misery gets tossed down here and it festers. It’s not a place to find a way to fix yourself or find a way to cope or even find some small tiny little piece of comfort. It’s a hole. And I get it. It was stupid of me to think otherwise. The mere act of just dumping your problems down a hole is that it feels good. For the moment. It’s really just a way to run from your problems, even if it is a fraction of a second. The thing is they are still there. They are not going to go away. No matter how many times you post or try to “empty” your mind down here, it doesn’t mean the problem is solved. It just means you tried to run away. And I get it. There is value for just running sometimes. It “helps”. Now I kind of just stay away for a bit until I need the hole again. The routine dump. I was on a tangent but now let’s get started. By the by, let this be a warning for newbies. If you really want to feel better try meds, therapy, something else. If you want to be miserable, then come back here every day. If you just want to get by, every now and again is good. I finally got it. The one thing I dreamed of after so long (A year). My own apartment. I saw it coming though. I knew what was going to happen the minute I got it. The loneliness set it. At home, I had my parents and my brother. They weren’t much, but I had something. Some sort of contact with people. In here, it’s empty. Nothingness. It has it’s perks. I love being naked, now no one can tell me not to be. Long as I have the shades drawn, which is all the time. No one telling me not be messy or taking up the shower. No annoying room mates bringing their retarded friends around so they can not talk to each other and stare at their phones. Just me. Me. Myself. I. Solo. That’s the thing though. I like it. I hate it. I want to be on my own. I hate being alone. I’m better off by myself. I’m so damn lonely. No friends no family no nothing. Just me. Let’s start with friends. How do you get them? How do you talk to people? How do you not spend your nights and weekends in your apartment brain dead wishing for something to happen. I look around me and I see people smiling and happy and talking. I also see people just getting by, not saying a thing and just having a blank expression on their face. I see people who laugh and talk and do stuff. And I see people who go and do what they need to do and get out. I get it. I know. If I really had to pin point it though, I’d say it’s my fault. I just don’t put in any effort. I’d be lying if I said I’ve never been asked to hang out or asked to play a game or something. I’d be lying if I said people didn’t try before. I can also say it doesn’t happen that often. But I can’t say that it’s never happened. I get it. Now let’s move on to romantic relationships. Something I’ve talked about on numerous occasions. Something that for the life of me I can’t seem to not care about. I want so badly to not give a fuck about it. I want so badly to think to myself Who Gives A Shit. I want so badly to be ok with just being on my own like always. Yet it always creeps up. I can’t be sure anymore if I want love out of desperation or because of true feelings anymore. It just seems like I have this impression of needing it but not knowing the cause. There was this girl I used to work with. At first I said we should meet up for a chat. Just to see how things were going. I wanted to give it another shot at just trying to make friends. She was (is?) in a relationship, so no tension or anything like that. Just friends. She was nice. Told me I could go and talk to her whenever, just to catch up. Said cool. I thought that if I kept it up I can actually maintain a friendship. Actually have someone I could talk to about stuff. It never really worked out. I’d always ask to hang out, she’d always be busy. Maybe she got the impression that I was trying to flirt with her. Maybe I was? I can’t even tell my own motivations anymore. Why do I keep trying to talk to this person? Why do I bother wanting to see her? Why is it that I do what I do? Said fuck it and gave up. If she needs me she needs me. If she doesn’t she doesn’t. She’s got people she talks to regularly, so why would she need me. She has enough friends. What make’s me so special? Nothing. I’m probably making a bigger deal out of it than it really is. Maybe she really isn’t trying to avoid me and it always just slipped her mind. The thing is, am I really that unimportant that you just forget. Am I really that much of a nobody. I guess. Who cares. Trying to figure out relationships like that is made even more difficult as I question my sexuality. I like girls. That is not doubt. Do I like dudes? Can’t seem to figure it out. Now I have this shit to contend with as well as my crippling loneliness. wonderful. There is more I’d like to right, but I think I emptied my head out sufficiently.
29 comments
Hey! Sorry for the randomness, do you play Minecraft?
Bruh.
Pluto long time no see. Do you want to meet up in Minecraft?
I thought you were gone…
But, but, but, I don’t play Minecraft. You play anything else?
Thanks for the heads up.
Nuuu just Minecraft. I thought the same about you too. I’m glad to see u again. What do you play?
I’m gonna throw a party for you!
I play a bit of everything. Do you play on PC?
Tablet. Party!?
Yup, a party just for you! What do you want?
What about u clipped wings, do u play?
I could never figure those things out!
It’s easy. You just press the buttons.
Ummm a movie night?
Alright, what kind? Horror? Halloween’s coming up.
Ur favorite Halloween movie.
So the OG Halloween (1978)?
Oki doki!
But it’s your party. You should get to chose.
I chose my favourite movie and you chose our favourite
ur*
Okay. What’s your favorite?
Her
Arcade Fire made the soundtrack for that movie. That’s pretty kool.
Is Arcade Fire one of your favorite bands?
Well, they made one of my favorite albums ever. So you could say that. They’re a bit inconsistent though.
What is your favorite song or band?
Ugh, don’t ask me such hard questions. There’s too many great bands. What are your favorites?
Ummm i like audio and genius by sia
Sia’s a pretty good singer. I’ll check those out.