That’s the end for me

  October 12th, 2018 by NoMoonInMySky

This is not a life. This is a nightmare. And it won’t stop. I can’t wake up. It has been going on for long enough that I have deteriorated into some form of subhuman creature. I have stopped eating, i mostly never shower, i don’t wash my clothes…. sometimes I keep the same stuff on for over a week, sleeping in it, going to work with it…. I told the doctor months ago that I needed help urgently. She wrote in her notes on my file “was NOT suicidal. Just trying to get time off. ” They leave me no choice. They put me in that state and they won’t stop until I kill myself. I can beg for help all I want, it only makes things worse. There is one and only outcome: death. But this is no suicide, this is murder. Premeditated murder. They know that the way they treat me,what they do to me,  how far they push me, has damaged me mentally. I tell them I don’t know how much further they can push me before I die. And they shrug and keep pushing, putting me down, making sure I doubt myself every step of the way, playing it like there’s nothing going on. I don’t know what to believe anymore. But logic never fails: if nothing was happening I wouldn’t be in so much distress. I watched them do the same to my brother. They drove him down until he killed himself. They can get rid of people and sweep it under the rug so easily. They do their own investigations, they have their own doctors, they make the rules. It’s no different from being a prisoner of war. Only, people can’t tell. You walk right there with the croud and the world goes completely oblivious to the fact that your life is owned by people who want to see you suffer and die. They don’t see the distress in your eyes every day when you have to go back…. And if you didn’t go back, if you ran away, they would hunt you down and throw you where no man wants to go. Some have killed themselves rather than go there. But nobody knows. It’s a secret. And you can’t tell anyone. They took away all I had. I had a daughter, I had friends, I had possessions, I had a life, dreams, hopes, ambitions, I had a career, I had self estime, I had self confidence, I had civil rights…. even that was taken away.

 

All I ever wanted was to fix machines…

 

I have to die now…

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