Hello people of The Suicide Project, since my last posts in Aug, not going to lie its been pretty good, moved in to college, am enjoying my course, meeting new people and a whole new town.
But this fairytale only lasted till recently. Its been a month in college. Ive made a lowkey fool of myself. Ive ruined peoples friendships. I ruined a relationship that I rushed into with someone unbelievable and now its unfixable (dont give me that petty “oh you can fix anything if you put your mind to it” bullshit). I honestly loved her, but now she would rather see me rot in the dirt.
Ive started smoking way too much too. Including almost never eating. Overall my comeback was an even harder fall.
Im a simple guy, to sum it up for you. I care about people so much and i dont give a single fuck about myself, i almost live on this earth just to serve people and just to make people happy as much as i can with all my money and effort. Do things for people i would never do for myself, buy people shit, bring food, smokes liqs u name it. And that was the only way i could feel something feel like im doing something with my life.
But now my depression has came to drown me again and i feel it taking me in waves until i literally cant breath during a lecture..
Its drowning me and this time theres no cork to pull.
Only thing i can think of is to hang myself like ive wanted to for over 10 years…
Im a simple guy, either i continue on with life letting it get worse and worse and worse and worse until i eventually do it.
Or i can save the heartace of evreyone around me and myself, and just go hang myself.
Idk its either gonna be before the snow comes or after it. But mark my fucking words, i will go 5-6 hours up north and just do it. No more pain. No more disappointment. No more responsibilities or problems to face. Just the ultimate fucking peace that ive wanted all my fucking life.. this time for sure theres no turning back. I will bike or longboard till my legs, body, lungs, head and heart cant push me any further. Then il just do it. No excuses, no bullshit. No nothing. Just me myself, and my life in my hands.
Thats all i had to say. Goodnight to evreybody on this earth. Except for me.