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today

by miszion

I applied for my firearms license today.

I’ve now cried three times over my own ugliness today.

It’s going on 4 PM and I haven’t eaten yet today.

I don’t plan on eating today.

I researched suicide methods for the first time in a long time today.

Today is a bad day.

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PatheticMale 10/15/2018 - 4:47 pm

We all have our worst days sometimes… I hope tomorrow turns out better for you… I have also noticed since I´m depressed I eat less and the worse it gets the less I eat. Also its very weird but I completely lost my taste in milk and all milk based products. I used to like yogurts or just drink milk in general but now only the thinking of it makes me sick especially when I like analyze what that stuff actually is :D. I no longer search suicide methods coz I´m pretty much decided on how I would do it if I decided to leave.

PatheticMale 10/15/2018 - 4:58 pm

You probably heard that a million times but try to not be so hard on yourself when it comes to looks. It isnt really that important and also I think it´s not as bad as you think it is. I mostly dont care about how I or other people look… If people judge me just based of my appearance I just ignore it, I wouldnt want to have anything with these people anyway, they are stupid and their lives are meaningless to me. Its harder when Im judged on my shitty decisions and personality coz I can kinda feel that its justified. The worst is when I think about all the time and potential I have wasted.

miszion 10/15/2018 - 6:13 pm

My looks, especially my face, have never bothered me before the last couple of months. This past August though, things changed. I can barely look at myself in the mirror and when I had to take a picture of myself today to send in for my FOID card I had a complete breakdown at work. After a few attempts I just felt sick looking at my pictures. You can see that I was crying in the picture I ended up using to send in with my application.

I’m sorry you feel like you’ve wasted your own time and potential. I can say there is truly no pain like regret.

muspelhem 10/15/2018 - 5:04 pm

You might find something called metacognitive therapy useful.

Basically, your thoughts about being ugly are just thoughts, and with practise you can probably learn to leave them alone and focus on other things.

miszion 10/15/2018 - 6:17 pm

I’m reading up on it now, thanks.

It’s hard to see how I could avoid these thoughts when I have to look in a mirror several times a day. I appreciate this nonetheless, though.

OnlyLOVEheals 10/15/2018 - 8:10 pm

I believe what muspelhem was trying to articulate is, not to hide or become sick about looking into a mirror. When looking into a mirror focus on more then just your eyes, nose, skin or hair and remember the good acts that you have done for others, the challenges you have overcome and the deeds that you will do that will have a positive impact on those around you. I am not saying this will happen overnight, but with a focused change of mindset, you may look at yourself in due time with pride, honor and love as you learn to judge yourself in a new light.

cheers

whitefurmouse 10/15/2018 - 11:37 pm

only love heals? never healed me. sorry.

AXYZ 10/17/2018 - 11:54 am

I’m going to buck the trend and say that looks DO matter. Looks matter if it matters to you, just like anything else you may crave. My own appearance is very important to me, and no matter how many people tell me I look great/perfect/whatever, I’ll have my own standards. That’s sounds similar to what you’re up against: self perception. I have an answer to that, and as fake and offensive as it is to most people who don’t have a clue, I swear it works for people with self-perception issues. Take a picture of yourself, make it as good as possible to begin with (wear makeup, a wig, anything that helps), then photoshop the heck out of it and post it to your facebook or instagram. There’s a reason behind this. It’s not for others to see; it’s for YOU to see. If your perception is distorted so that you see yourself as ugly, then re-distort it with photoshop to show yourself what you could look like without the ugly filter over your eyes. I still consider myself pretty butt ugly, but when I look at my manipulated facebook selfies, I get a momentary bump of “wow I look pretty hot” and that gets me through the day. Again I stress, this is not for other people, it’s for YOU. Show yourself an alternate reality where you’re happy with your looks, and before you know it, you won’t be so preoccupied with looks at all.

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