Home General Waiting Game
Report Post

Waiting Game

by Teresa's Child

Because I have no plans. No goals. No pleasure. I spend time. I read, I write if I can, I work. I work out, train, etc.. I take care of my cats. I  bought a video game recently…Valkyrie Chronicles 4. Its nice I guess, but I mainly bought it to pass the time, whatever time I have left in the day, that is.

I know it seems odd–with all these chores to occupy my time, how come I still have time left over? I don’t know…there’s just this vast expanse of time now, and try as I might I can’t seem to make it go faster. It just creeps along. An eternity.

There’s a proverb that says “to continue is power”. That phrase rang so true in my ears when I heard it. I realized then that I’d answered my lifelong question. My journey was done. I’d aquired all the wisdom I wanted to acquire. So really, in some sense my journey is over, and I am ready to die.

But that’s not a good enough reason to die. So here I am, patiently waiting. For what? I don’t know. I’m growing duller. My skills are all going to shit. But I’m still here, in my shell, waiting, waiting, waiting.

I feel so empty, waiting for death like this. Unmoving and unmoved. Everything i see is so fake. Everyone’s intentions are so obvious. Personalities so easy to see through. And then there’s just the same old evil reality. Greed. Selfishness. Jealousy. Hatred. Fear. The things that move people.

I’m so tired of seeing people. Hearing people, quibbling about mundane things or talking as if they care about subjects that don’t matter.

There’s this scene in The Pit and the Pendulum where the narrator is tied down to a slab of stone, and there’s a scythe slowly dropping closer and closer with each swing toward his neck. Inch by inch. And he’s praying for it to swing faster, end more quickly, straining against his bonds to actually get to the scythe and die.

That’s how I feel right now. The scythe is swinging, and swinging, and swinging, and the years are passing. Please pendulum, swing faster.

16 comments
0

Related posts

16 comments

Stable as Uranium 10/1/2018 - 9:52 pm

Maybe get a casual girlfriend to pass the time?

Stable as Uranium 10/1/2018 - 9:56 pm

Do you have Steam?

Stable as Uranium 10/1/2018 - 10:03 pm

I wonder if you’d like Total War: Shogun 2 (Your profile pic is of a Samurai). I’m getting a gaming laptop soon, I could add you on Steam if you want. I’m free most of the time, I could even buy you the game if you want. We could play together sometime. Also I read your old post about women, so my above suggestion is null.

Mordred 10/1/2018 - 11:27 pm

Hey, thanks for the response! No thank you to buying me a game (I have have enough money lol), but it’s very nice of you to offer! I looked Total War up, and it looks interesting — I do like strategy games! And yeah, I do have Steam! I’m not really too active (I just got it a few days ago for VC4), but feel free to add me if you want. I probably won’t be playing anything but VC until I milk the game, but we can play sometime, and talk and whatnot.

I’m onyxeyes1 on steam.

Stable as Uranium 10/2/2018 - 12:40 am

Alright, my username is meatpuppetone. It’ll be awhile before I get back on Steam though, probably a couple weeks at least, but I’ll hit you up on Steam then!

WITHINtheShadows 10/1/2018 - 11:37 pm

Hi
I was feeling exactly like you about me, about people and about the world. Basically nothing or nobody attracted me enough.
My boyfriend, who is a person I admire and love (opposite to other people) is quiet for almost a month and IDK if we are still together or not but like you he games a lot. And thank you for your post because I imagined gaming gives a guy the best time of his live but you showed me how it really works…and its not so cool as I imagined…so may be my bff is feeling like you too….and I was trying not to disturb him…supposing he was busy and having more fun playing than with me.
Anyway…back to the point:
Then to feel better I changed some things…focused on listening to wise people on internet instead of all that crap you have in chats, apps and facebook…and I sit down on the floor closed my eyes and put myself all questions I needed to answer and fortunately I’ve answered then all after tried some days pushing myself…
I isolated myself from everything&everyone for some days and it helped me.
I send you the link from a video that may be could help you: https://youtu.be/NUs6NDsMWVI
May be you miss sth. I’m discovering step by step what I miss bc what I do I’m fed up with.
Hope you get better!

WITHINtheShadows 10/1/2018 - 11:38 pm

Hi
I was feeling exactly like you about me, about people and about the world. Basically nothing or nobody attracted me enough.
My boyfriend, who is a person I admire and love (opposite to other people) is quiet for almost a month and IDK if we are still together or not but like you he games a lot. And thank you for your post because I imagined gaming gives a guy the best time of his live but you showed me how it really works…and its not so cool as I imagined…so may be my bff is feeling like you too….and I was trying not to disturb him…supposing he was busy and having more fun playing than with me.
Anyway…back to the point:
Then to feel better I changed some things…focused on listening to wise people on internet instead of all that crap you have in chats, apps and facebook…and I sit down on the floor closed my eyes and put myself all questions I needed to answer and fortunately I’ve answered then all after tried some days pushing myself…
I isolated myself from everything&everyone for some days and it helped me.
I send you the link from a video that may be could help you: 
May be you miss sth. I’m discovering step by step what I miss bc what I do I’m fed up with.
Hope you get better!

Mordred 10/2/2018 - 12:33 am

Hey, thanks for the response. Honestly I don’t game a lot, I just play sometimes when I’m not busy, or just am not motivated to do the things I care about. Playing games occasionally gets me through stressful times (usually good stories and books do that better though).

Point is, there are some guys that are actually passionate about gaming and I’m not one of them. Your boyfriend may or may not be like me, so my advice is that you take my post with a grain of salt. Try to talk to him, and just wait it out.

WITHINtheShadows 10/2/2018 - 9:56 am

Hi
Thank you for the advice 🙂
The point is my bff hides from me he games so much so I have to choose very well how to approach this issue…but a conversation will be needed for sure!

SuicidalThoughtsButRefuseToKillMyself 10/2/2018 - 12:58 am

Interesting for some reason I got your message too @withintheshadows but I haven’t watched the full video but I feel like the video probably will be something I like maybe you might be the type to like listening to whatever intellectual subjects on YouTube or whatever is your interests like I do but I don’t know your relationship well enough between you and your boyfriend but I hope you and Morded have fun gaming honestly I like gaming but sometimes it is too much a good for escapism but honestly after reading @mordred your long post up top I don’t know what work you do but honestly I feel like the same way but I am trying to find purpose in my life even though I dropped out of college I use YouTube for my own interests of whatever subjects and look into intellectual conversations and or discussions and or debates but other than that I feel like I am just drifting in life wondering what’ll happen searching aimlessly for my own purpose trying to dwell into my own mind but my life is probably dull and not that interesting maybe I am just waiting to die not certain but on that note I hope you two feel better.

WITHINtheShadows 10/2/2018 - 10:10 am

Hi @suicidalthoughtsbutrefusetokillmyself
Thanks for your words I felt better.
I’ve been tired of almost everyone/everything for some years and thus my suicidal thoughts have increased a lot and also depression, isolation and bla bla bla.
People I know speak only sh*it and I dont like this shallow chats, I like deep intellectual conversations but no one talks nowadays, they just text! O.o
So I started using youtube as a way to listen to some wise people/videos bc they have sth to say about life, death and etc. It has worked beautifully…I feel better but I’m still getting used to the idea I wont have friends…never! This is boring but its the price I’ll pay for my intelligence and personality in this shallow world.
But if I feel better everyday it is worth for me. I can do much things alone that I still enjoy…so I’ll try to bear being with myself and expecting nothing from nobody and from the world.
I’d realy like to have these chats I have here in SP in real life…wow…it’d be marvellous!!

freeroma 10/1/2018 - 11:58 pm

Maybe you’re just waiting for something new, that epiphany or push that sends you off. You’ve said you feel like you’re about ready to leave.. just have to decide what’ll be worth it.

I know how that story ends, btw. Scythe doesnt connect, gets another chance at life.

Oh, and for people “pretending” to care about things that don’t matter? Not always a manner of pretense, more different views. You have things you value too.
That journey being over in one sense? Exactly, just in one sense. There’s usually a few to get through..

Mordred 10/2/2018 - 12:39 am

Hey roma, I smiled when I read your response. You always have this mysterious, grim hopefulness about you which comes through in your words.

Worth is such a double edged word. Right now, I feel my time is worthless. But leaving this worthless occupation with my worthless time suddenly has to be worth something significant…whatever that means. It’s peculiarly fallacious, and I just feel like maybe I’m lying to myself about everything.

Yeah but then he falls into the pit, lol.

I guess there are no more questions I care for, so journey over in that sense.

Beneathetide 10/2/2018 - 10:30 am

Does your time necessarily have to be a meaningful journey? I used to feel like there wasn’t any point in doing anything if it didn’t “save the world” or contribute in some big way. That’s when I started looking towards the smaller things in life for happiness. Like a goal for me could just be lighting a candle and painting at the end of the day, or making a yummy snack lol. I like to exercise as well, getting strong is one goal that I’m slowly working on. If I can’t always be strong mentally at least I can feel strong physically 😛
Having people to talk to helps make time less of a burden I think, you share new persepectives on life. That’s one of the reasons I really want to have a kid because seeing how they experience the world through their adventerous eyes would give me a more exciting and interesting perspective on life, and my time would always be full and passing quickly.
I just hate slow time, it makes me feel trapped.

Mordred 10/2/2018 - 3:23 pm

Hey @beneathetide , i really like your response. I tried focusing on small goals, but my thoughts shift too easily and those goals often just end up feeling like chores, things that need to be done just because I said I’d do them, at one point. But I think painting at the end of the day is a really awesome goal!

And yeah, God bless excersise, it literally keeps me alive sometimes.

I personally have a bias against children, but that’s just me! I hope it works out for you 🙂

Beneathetide 10/2/2018 - 9:43 pm

@mordred that makes sense, I can see how it would end up feeling like a chore, as that happens to me sometimes. But if I need to I’m okay with dropping one and moving onto another. And thanks (: I really like having projects that I can slowly work on over time, because I’m always excited to see the end result. Heck, even toilet training my cat has been an interesting project for me xD

I’ve been slacking the past week with exercise since my insomnia has been acting up and making me moody, but I always feel great whenever I bring myself to do it. My goal is to reach 42 sit ups and 27 pushups without stopping. So far I can only do 10 sit ups and 1 pushup (ouch lol). So I definitely got a ways to go, can’t wait to get there (:

As for children yeah I noticed from your previous post when you mentioned they effectively kill you xD I’m curious what you meant by that though?

Leave a Comment