Because I have no plans. No goals. No pleasure. I spend time. I read, I write if I can, I work. I work out, train, etc.. I take care of my cats. I bought a video game recently…Valkyrie Chronicles 4. Its nice I guess, but I mainly bought it to pass the time, whatever time I have left in the day, that is.
I know it seems odd–with all these chores to occupy my time, how come I still have time left over? I don’t know…there’s just this vast expanse of time now, and try as I might I can’t seem to make it go faster. It just creeps along. An eternity.
There’s a proverb that says “to continue is power”. That phrase rang so true in my ears when I heard it. I realized then that I’d answered my lifelong question. My journey was done. I’d aquired all the wisdom I wanted to acquire. So really, in some sense my journey is over, and I am ready to die.
But that’s not a good enough reason to die. So here I am, patiently waiting. For what? I don’t know. I’m growing duller. My skills are all going to shit. But I’m still here, in my shell, waiting, waiting, waiting.
I feel so empty, waiting for death like this. Unmoving and unmoved. Everything i see is so fake. Everyone’s intentions are so obvious. Personalities so easy to see through. And then there’s just the same old evil reality. Greed. Selfishness. Jealousy. Hatred. Fear. The things that move people.
I’m so tired of seeing people. Hearing people, quibbling about mundane things or talking as if they care about subjects that don’t matter.
There’s this scene in The Pit and the Pendulum where the narrator is tied down to a slab of stone, and there’s a scythe slowly dropping closer and closer with each swing toward his neck. Inch by inch. And he’s praying for it to swing faster, end more quickly, straining against his bonds to actually get to the scythe and die.
That’s how I feel right now. The scythe is swinging, and swinging, and swinging, and the years are passing. Please pendulum, swing faster.